I’ve accepted I will be alone forever. 25F

I turned 25 last week and finally accepted to myself that romantic love is not in the cards for me. I think there is something deeply wrong with me, and since I will never be able to figure it out, I have accepted that i’m meant for other things in life. To focus on my career, to have good friends, to take care of my family.

I don’t consider myself particularly unattractive. I am 5’5, I am not overweight either. Around a 20 BMI. I have had an amazing life, travelled around the world, had an incredible social life in college, and I am in law school now. When I was younger, around 21/22, I would go out, have one night stands, etc. I never intended to find my husband this way, obviously. I did (and do) get hit on quite a lot when I go out, but I think it’s because my face looks like I am “easy”. At least that’s what i’ve heard people say. If men dont talk to you when you go out, they’re intimidated by you because you’re beautiful. If they do, you look easy and that’s what they look for in one night stands. I do not have one night stands and haven’t since I was 22, when I realized they made me feel empty. I didn’t do it a lot back then either, maybe twice a year.

I was bullied greatly in high school which caused me to have a “glow up”. I always longed for romantic connection, but I have just never found it. The closest I ever got to it was a man I was in love with for two years, who moved in with me, and I ended up finding out all of it was to use me for my money, he ended up stealing around $5,000 from me, as well as my dignity.

I realize I have very deep-seated insecurities. When I was 18, one of my past friends told me “When we go out, I don’t understand why you get men’s attention. You’re not pretty.” I remember when I was 14 I got an anonymous message from somebody who said “Your eyes are ugly and you are fat.” I do like myself, sometimes, but I can’t figure out why everyone around me seems to have perfect relationships and at 25 have had romantic partners that deeply cared about them. Multiple boyfriends. Etc. I know I am smart, I am caring, I am extremely generous. I have a beautiful circle of close friends who adore me. But at this point in my life, I feel like it is too late for me.

I’ve tried Hinge and Bumble a couple of times, I get hundreds of likes (which I know is not an indicator of anything, because men tend to swipe on everyone). But I have matched and set up dates with around 20 men who I found attractive and who I felt at face value that we could be a fit. Somehow, I can never get myself to show up to these dates. It is a very strong fear of the man being disgusted by me, not meeting their expectations, etc. I even met a surgeon when I went out last week, and I had a long talk with him. He told me I am beautiful and I just need to put myself out there more. But for some reason, I can’t.

Being used for my money made me feel like I was unable to be loved. That I was disgusting, and this is a thought I battle with daily. But the fact that I can’t even bring myself to show up to dating app dates, when everyone seems to do it without any care, shows me it’s a deep rooted issue within myself. On the outside, I look extremely confident. I dress well, I always have my hair and nails done, and I go to class in heels, because being put together makes me feel good about myself. No one knows I am crumbling inside at the thought of never being able to find a stable romantic relationship.

Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I will never figure out what is truly wrong with me. I have been celibate for about a year now, but that is not the issue. I know I could find sex, probably tonight, if I wanted to. But I won’t, because it won’t fulfill me, it will make me feel dirty about myself. I’ve lived in really big, metropolitan cities, across the globe (2 in the US, 1 in Europe, 1 in South America). So it is not even about the fact that I am in the wrong place.

The idea of being alone forever scared me a lot. But today I am starting to accept it. Maybe my path is to excel in law school, to take care of myself and help others. To make a difference in the world, to use my skill set for good. I can’t lie, every day gets harder to know people have partners that adore them by their side and I won’t ever have that. I know our society makes us feel like the world revolves around romantic love - but I really feel like it does. I also know I won’t settle for somebody I don’t like or who doesn’t align with my values just because I don’t want to be alone. And that the two years I was “in love” destroyed me. So I just wanted to get that off my chest. I like being alone. I just didn’t want it to be forever. And it’s starting to feel like that.