my own body triggers me

CW: SELF HARM

i'm tired of looking at my body and wanting to cut it. i hate that i ever got into the habit in the first place. i haven't done it in months, but every time i look at my wrist or my thighs, i want to do it again. i know it'll just make it worse, and i'll end up with scars that will make me hate myself and want to cut even more. i'm just so frustrated. i am so, so numb. i don't know how to make that numbness go away. i just want to feel something substantial.

i hate that my scars are so visible to me. other people can't really see them unless i point them out, but i see the lines of skin that are lighter than the rest of my skin, and i notice how they shine in the light because of the way the scars formed. sometimes i wish i went harder to make them more obvious, and sometimes i wish i never did it at all. i remember how bad i bled and panicked because i was afraid i'd need stiches.

i see them all the time and i can't stop looking at them. i fucking hate them so fucking much. i don't know how to cope with this feelings. i want to hurt myself so i can feel something and watch the blood seep out. it's all i deserve, honestly. because i don't deserve to be hurt by other people, since most of my problems are already self-made. but then, it's ironic because i want to make my self-made problems worse.

ugh i don't know what to do. i can't keep trying to stop myself