Same Conclusion

I don’t want any Eros’. I want Sarah. I hate this. Even the story about the 4th Eros…it’s my subconscious memory of her at my last job when she was working on the patio. It’s what I want from her, to choose me after I heal myself so we can have something real not rooted in me struggling to get over what happened with Caroline and my history. I want her to want me as a whole person.

Mind, Body, Soul I want her.

And I’m not going to get what I want am I?

Fuck. That’s life isn’t it?

I don’t want Caroline, I don’t want X, I don’t want Y and I don’t want anyone else. I love Sarah.

I don’t need a rational explanation. I know what I saw, I know what I feel. It’s my truth and I don’t have to justify it or analyze it to anyone.

The funny part is over the course of time, basically until the rest of my life I’ll be her Eros. My Eros only gets closer to her Psyche by trine consistently over the next 10 years. And it’s trine my Venus so theoretically it’s doable.

That’s wishful thinking on my part again.

She probably gets bored a lot. Mars in Gemini. I’ve only being doing astrology for 5 years and I’m bored of me too. I can’t wait for my mind to find some new to learn and obsess over.

Mars conjunct the MC. I’m not the type of person she usually goes for. I like that part of her though. She’s definitely trying to network and climb the ladder. She can definitely do it. Her gifts are personal attention though. She sees and understands people thoroughly. Her intuition is remarkable. Whether she wants to be or not she’s a healer.

So am I. Chiron in 9,8,7 houses by progression. In the 7th…this is my new normal. The old me is dead. This is how it is now. The further Eros progresses past Chiron, and the further my progressed Rising and Mercury advance in Scorpio the stronger and more skillful I am at handling this energy. I’m figuring it out as I go. I always do. Bringing stability to chaos is my gift, bringing stability and trust in relationships is my gift. I’m going to get hurt along the way. We all do. That’s life.

Resilience. I was curious about that when she wrote it. I should have asked what she needed. I didn’t want to pry but I didn’t want to leave her feeling unheard either. It was early and I didn’t know what the boundaries were. I should have asked. I regret that. That night at work at the Christmas party, and that conversation in text. I was trying to protect her and maybe I screwed up and lost my chance to be there for her. Who knows.

I keep relaying it and the truth is we needed to have a really honest conversation, and it was too early. I feel like it would have helped though. I think we both freaked out because it was so quick.

I think we’re over saturated with information, and I think it mutes our own intuition. I think we were both scared because by the textbook definition it was too fast. But, in my heart and intuition I feel like once we had the real conversation it would have allowed for us to slow down and adjust to a reasonable pace.

Feeling dysregulation isn’t inherently bad. It’s an ask for an unmet need. I tried to tell her and show her it was safe. Even at my rock bottom, I still made it a point to put her first and protect her. She was scared, she wouldn’t stop and be vulnerable and communicate. I would have done anything for her. Even accept her marrying someone else. She could have had us both. Sex and Love are 2 separate things. She didn’t have to choose.

With Caroline I kept trying to ask for help, I told her I was vulnerable, I asked for what i needed, I did therapy, I did my practice and she just wouldn’t let me go. But she wouldn’t help me feel safe either. If she had stopped and told me everything was ok, I would have been ok. That’s all I needed. Honesty, transparency and safety. I even made peace with Caroline chasing Cody after me.

I’m not the problem. I’m just not. I keep putting in the effort and I just can’t get it reciprocated or an adult conversation to clarify what each of us needs to create safety.

I also can’t seem to get to a place where it’s not an all or none choice for them. I wonder why that is. Just be honest with me and you can have us both. I don’t necessarily understand it. It’s like someone has to win and someone has to lose, and there’s not room for me as a friend. There’s no grace for an adjustment period to acclimate to new boundaries.

So idk.

I’m getting more comfortable being psychologically single. The less I chase the better I feel. I don’t need to prove anything. I don’t need to carry so much weight and responsibility in relationships.

I like my routine. I’m safer than I feel. My situation is actually ideal for the moment. (Ma Sha Allah!)

I’m focused on my root chakra. I’m safe. I’m ok. Things are more stable than I expect. I’ve got to learn to root and trust myself to ground through fear and uncertainty. Life happens, I can stay grounded and trust I’ll be ok.

Change is hard for me. That’s ok. I can soothe myself around that with routine and practice, and ultimately trust. I have to trust people around me more and trust my guru. I’m not lost at sea. I’m just scared but I have more control than I realize. I’ll be ok.