I don’t want to be T4T

TW internalized transphobia

And, reading this back, I should preface this with saying that I don’t believe in any “requirements” to be trans. This venting is just coming from a place of jealousy, and I apologize if my language comes across as offensive.

My partner and I were talking last night, and I referred to them as cis. They stopped me and told me they’re not. I’ve known them for six years, and not once have they referred to themselves as anything other than a cis man.

So we had a long conversation where they tried to explain to me how they’re not cis, but not non-binary, genderqueer, or trans either. They have no history of gender dysphoria. As someone with really intense dysphoria, I struggle to relate. I got incredibly upset, because it seemed unfair that they could call themselves “not cis” while also being fine with the body I would kill to have.

This morning, they asked me to try using they/them pronouns for them for a bit. They’re questioning whether they’re non-binary after all. I’m dreading them coming out. I have been hoping all the time that they realize they’re a man after all. I feel terrible about this, but I don’t feel sympathy towards them at all. They’re perfectly fine in their body and with being perceived as a man. They don’t feel any need to change any part of themselves. Their hobbies and mannerisms are masculine. I’m so incredibly jealous. Until they explicitly tell me they’re non-binary/trans, they’re cis to me. I don’t know why they would make their life so much harder when they’re happy as-is.

I just wanted a normal gay relationship. I don’t want to be a trans couple. I love being with them because they make me feel like “one of the guys”, and I would hate to lose that. I like having a boyfriend, and I was hoping to have a husband. My partner has always very much looked like and carried themselves as a man, and I don’t think I’d be able to see them as anything else. They’ve been so good throughout my transition. It breaks my heart that I can’t wrap my head around them just using different pronouns.

I don’t think I can ever talk to them about this, for their own good. They know I’m bi and am frequently attracted to genderqueer people. I would feel so shitty explaining that their coming out would make them an exception.