I think I was SAd as a kid but i'm not sure

TW: COCSA, CSA, POCD mention

When I (15 M) was 7 I really liked a boy in my class, I only liked him because he was short, I remember that him being smaller than me made me feel in control, I stalked him and harrassed him all the time. On my birthday I told him to kiss me because it was my birthday and he should have give me a "gift".

I feel horrible for what I did, but at the same time I wonder "How did a 7 year old know how to manipulate someone? Why did I only liked him cause he made me feel in control?"

A month later I started to cry when I had to go to school, it got so bad I had to be homeschooled. I developed a phobia for it even though nothing bad happened to me? I think? I can't remember anything between my birthday and my breakdown.

When I was 10 I convinced myself I was a pedophile, I would look at kids younger than me and feel disgusted at myself, I envied their innocence. When I was 12 I was weirdly obsessed with stories about SA, especially about how male SA cases weren't taken seriously. I was born a girl, but I've identified as a boy since I was around 11. And I think my weird fantasies about boys not being taken seriously reminded me of myself even though I am not a biological boy. Not sure why though.

I realized something horrible, when I started puberty I was scared of sex, I remembered penetration being painful, thing is. HOW DID I REMEBER PAIN?! I NEVER HAD SEX NEVER FINGERED MYSELF OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT?! IF I THINK ABOUT IT ENOUGH I CAN STILL FEEL THE PAIN OF... WJAT?!?! WHY DO I REMEMBER THE FEELING OF MY CERVIX BRUISING? Maybe it isn't anything, when I was a kid I once fell and hurt it, that must be it. But why did I have nightmares of being raped?! Why am I like this? Are they just false memories? Then why is it that when I first heard about dissociative amnesia I felt called out. Why. I dont know. I hope I was raped actually. Idk why, I deserve it, I weird. Idk why I'm posting this this is dumb