From infj to entp - the love of my life

I never thought I’d find a connection like I felt with you. You are so beautiful to me. Your truth, your darkness, your strong sense of analytics. Even the small moments together felt like it was worth the wait. Deep in my heart I know we can mend what has happened. I do not hold anger, just sadness.

Towards the end, I felt manipulated, lied to, tested - like a lab animal. My body and mind couldn’t cope with the potential reality that I was just something to be farmed, evaluated, and discarded- that you couldn’t see beyond my damage, or worse - couldn’t feel my love for you and yours. It made me angry inside, frustrated. It clouded my views, my dreams, my kindness. That maybe you didn’t really want to know each other..didnt want to be direct with me in person. Or show me dignity or admit you were looking for something else. I will tell you, I never thought an intentional relationship was a stupid idea, not when it came to you.

Maybe you think I am a conspiracy theorist or someone who can’t see deceit. Maybe you didn’t understand my form of imaginative play, or how I strive to show love for each individual I find in my path..Or my challenges in reading the same person from different threads. But i do think you may of misjudged me, and my sense of truth. My love for my family and friends - present and past.

You never asked about my past, or reasons for wanting to build beauty in this world. You didn’t know the men I couldn’t protect, bail out, or fix. Worse - you didn’t know I was fighting for the other women and children they had damaged. You analyzed me from a distance, as I gave myself to you with full vulnerability.

I miss feeling excited for life with you in it. I miss looking at you from across the room with desire. I felt broken in a way, like it was never real. Your boundaries so strong, and it was all just in my mind. That I would be turned away from, avoided, like I’ve seen you with other women you supposedly care about.

I have a traumatic past, only my closest family knows about. You never asked or cared that I was a survivor. That I’ve read books like “what every body is saying” to help myself interact with others. My abusive ex stole half my collection.

I never intended for that world to intercept with yours, if I’ve hurt you. My last two dreams of you took place while I was recovering in a hospital. You got your boys a Lego themed fish tank. And then you were just a hologram image, dissolving in front of me. I don’t see you in my dreams anymore. I see the friends I’ve left behind, the damaged women, the dystopian world as it is - symbolically.

I hope we can talk again in person, and see each other from across the room without turning away. And I hope you are happy with life. I am still healing from what I felt was a rare and real romantic connection, maybe it wasn’t for you. Maybe I did matter to you, but I think I heard your message clearly, and I deserve better… in time. I always forgive those I love unconditionally. I wanted you to meet my family, and I still want to support yours. I will not be pressing charges, you are too important in this world. And I will always be here for you, but we both need to heal. Cords cut for now. XOX M.M.