How to handle this fuck-up?

Hi,

I am a mid-thirty just last year newly diagnosed AuDHD. Have been struggling since childhood with everything - until finally this diagnosis was made. I have been struggling with alcohol all over the years, been to clinics, detox and so on and so forth. Despite that, over the years I always felt some downtimes, just 2 days, maybe a week - it was not great, life felt like shit all the time but I was able to live up to my own - just functioning, loosing interest in everything, what felt like joy. But after the breakup with my girlfriend around 2 years ago - everything moved into worse. Hospitalisations, alcohol excesses, struggling at my work. And how could it get worse? At my birthday at work I totally fucked up - endlessly crying, all emotions, feeling like a failure, suicidal thoughts - because I do not felt able to manage this again. It takes weeks for me to get out of this "hole" - I had those last year for many weeks, months, was put on Lisdex, off work, though I hate summer for heat, it was very good and manageable. Now when work started again, shitty shifts (unusual) as nurse - I felt how I become weak again. And now I am again in this shitty hole - there is nothing to bring me out of it. I am just breathing, unable to eat, feeling like the biggest piece of shit. Randomly crying night and day - still cannot sleep. Hardest depression I have felt. My workgiver has put me on revocable release - next will be firing.

I do not know how to handle the situation, everything is overwhelming me, if anyone has any advice on how to handle the situation to find the beauty in life again, would be great.