suicidal ideation during the relationship / trying to make sense of this mess

i was wondering if anyone else experienced suicidal ideation and intrusive suicidal thoughts that ended pretty much right after we broke up. I also had a lot of stress nightmares that ended after the relationship did. The relationship i had with my ex was very confusing and greatly distorted my self identity. We would breakup and then i would get upset and even have a bit of a panic attack because of the intense love bombing to discarding switch in only a few days. Apparently to him this reaction was “manipulative” so when i would asked to get back together and he agreed i was somehow manipulating him to stay just because i had a pretty normal human response to someone doing a complete 180 on how they feel about you. This made me feel horrible though because i really tried to learn from my mistakes in previous relationships and try to improve and i know now that i did but in the moment i just felt awful. Anyways after reconciling he would tell me he would want to break up again pretty soon after the next time he broke up with me he told me that he thought he was gay and then a few hours later talked about us getting back together. I remember being so dissociated that whole night i had never been more dissociated in my life a lot of other awful things happened that night and thats when i lot of my physical stress symptoms started. That same night we ended up going to a friend’s house everyone was drinking except me. Somethings happened that started to make me upset and uncomfortable at the party mainly how he was acting around this guy right after he told me he was gay. So i went upstairs to my friends room and started crying and i really needed comfort but everyone was too drunk to understand what was going on. Anyways i end up crying in front of him while were alone in my friends room and he just screams in my face “your manipulating me,stop crying to stop manipulating me” maybe this is genuinely how he perceived me crying in the moment but it was so extremely awful to hear that was probably one of the worst nights of my entire life and i hate that it happened at my bestfriends house. I know your not supposed to analyze or try to understand their behaviors but id just like some support from people who have been in a similar situation because no one in my life understands. if you took the time to read all of this thank you