I'm killing myself in a few months

I plan to kill myself in a few months.

It's been almost 10 years now that i've been suffering from depression and fighting a constant battle against myself. My whole life has been fairly traumatic, from early childhood through young adulthood.

I never really was suicidal, but my mental state and the hatred i have toward myself have steadily worsened over time (a series of events that kept breaking me down more and more), and today it's simply too much for me. I can't take it anymore, i no longer have the strenght to fight or to keep going.

I've already attempted suicide twice in the past. Those attemps failed and were more the result of crises rather than a deeply thought-out decision like the one i'm making today.

Almost all of my friends have stopped talking to me since they knew about that, and i don't blame anyone. I completely understand not wanting to deal with someone who speaks so openly about their own death, and how unbearable the feeling of helplessness can be. So i guess running away is their only way to protect themselves. If that helps them cope with their grief later on, then so be it. I want to hurt as few people as possible.

I don't want help or anything like that. I've heard every possible speech about why i should stay alive, but those words will never change my decision.

I know that, objectively, this isn't the right decision and that i'm selfish. But after all these years of suffering, this is what i want and no one knows what it's like to be me. It's the only way for me to erase all of my memories and thoughts that keep looping endlessly in my head.

I thought I had known what "happiness" was when i was in a relationship with this girl for 3 years (who subjected me to physical and psychological abuse), but in reality i was just happy to be loved by someone. Being loved by someone, instead of having to love myself made it easier for me to remain delusional about how much my world was hurting me. My happiness and my colorful view of the world depended solely on her eyes. So when it ended abruptly overnight, i realized once again how deeply my inner world hadn't changed, that i hadn't grown, and that the nightmare was still there and even worse.

I tried to take my life back after that, but my reality quickly caught up with me. Then i was hospitalized in psychiatric ward and tried again, but the failure was even worse than the previous one.

I'm on medication and i've been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist for a few months now. I guess the medication helps me "hold on" a little, but the suffering is still there and probably will never disappear
or at least not before years of working on myself. And as i said, i no longer want this fight, i no longer want to watch time pass. I just can't be here anymore. Not at all.
Everything, even the simplest and most insignificant things, causes me pain. Just breathing is a battle, and every day is a hard and long struggle.

I still have to go see some online friends on the other side of the country because i want to see them one last time.

I've written letters to a few people who were important to me and said goodbye to some of them, so i can leave with a slightly lighter heart.

I want to make it clear that i'm not in a crisis or anything. This has been a carefully thought decision since early september, and i'm fully aware of what it implies.
I'm just afraid of the impact this will have on my sister and my mother, since i'm very important to them. But once again, out of pure selfishness, i don't plan to tell them anything until i commit, because i don't want to see that.

I'm not killing myself now because i still have goodbyes to make, things to sell so i can leave some money to my sister (a kind of inheritance), and i want to enjoy the little time i have left by spending it with her.
Also, it's very cold right now, and i'm waiting for warmer weather because i plan to die outdoors (i don't want my family to be the ones finding my body), and i don't want to freeze while waiting during the minutes leading up to my death.

Honestly, i don't really know why i'm writing this, but i think sharing that with people who might understand me will ease my heart a little.

Thank you for reading this, if you did. I must seem pathetic and weak, but not everyone can be strong.
I just hope that those who are going through this kind of things here have the strenght I don't have to move forward.

Stay strong, all of you.