So immensely tired

Big fat vent. TW: References to extinction, existentialism, abandonment, alcohol, suicide //

I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’ve been this way my whole life. I’ve seen 3 counsellors, been on 2 different drugs for multiple months on multiple dose ranges, and nothing has helped. I only get worse. It feels like I’m broken. Nothing I try ever helps, and when it does, it doesn’t stick for long. Journalling, reassurance, rationalizing, it’s all just pathetic cope. I can’t tame my amygdala. I can convince myself I’m fine, I can drink and I can go on hikes, I can feel good for a bit, but it will always come back. I will always wind up curled up on my bed, crippling nausea, brain fucking fracturing over the simplest of things. And no matter what, no matter how aware I am, no matter the coping strategy, it just doesn’t end. All I can do is wait til I pass out or drink every feeling away. I’m playing life on sudden death mode. I wasn’t even 6 when I was constantly researching asteroids, googling if there were any nearing Earth, attempting to contact people at NASA to ease my inexorable anxiety, simultaneous ache for the end and hope it never happens. Then hiding everything from my mum cause I knew she’d yell at me. I wasn’t even 10 when I was clinging to my best friend and begging for them to never leave, that I’d “kill myself” if they did (terrible fucking person moment). I was doomed from the start. My brain is damaged, not even just that, maybe completely fucking destroyed. I don’t have a single redeeming quality left. This thing has tooken everything from me.

All I can do is just throw myself into working and drinking and getting philosophical and shit. And even that doesn’t help. Infact, if I’m sober, actually even if I’m drunk, I lie awake at night and I wish I was different. As my own life is ripped to shreds, I tear others to pieces too. I hate this thing. I can’t find meaning. Life has no inherent meaning yeah, you create your own, yada yada, but I’m cursed with cosmic nihilism polluting my brain. That’s a whole other discussion though. This has tooken everything from me. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. No matter what, I can’t just be calm for longer than 5 minutes unless I’m intoxicated. Normal people’s baseline is calm. My baseline mood is numb with a hint of lingering dread. Any minor inconvenience—long reply times, shifts in tone, feeling the wrong texture, etc—will shoot me all the way down to complete despair, rage, and/or terror. Normal people can move on with their lives, maybe not even notice. I’m jealous. Fucking free me