Clarity vs. Compassion.

Slowly but surely I've been getting my clarity back. This has been an incredibly difficult few years, I was so desperately in need of the love I lost and couldn't believe it when we experienced those times together that were so incalculably joyful. It was obvious to me that there was an opportunity for shared light and love that is so rare in our time on earth. I could see most of what you suffered from, but when you looked at me I knew you were experiencing the same happiness as I was. I just can't believe the gulf that existed in terms of realising it, and having the capacity to carry it forward.

I don't know what brought us together or why. With the level of familiarity we felt I wouldn't doubt spiritual elements were at play. Fundamentally I don't want to believe you are a bad person - I never did, and always strove to see and encourage the best part of you and I think you felt and wanted that too. But there was evidently so much I didn't see, that I couldn't contextualise because of grief, but also because some states of mind are just too foreign to me.

I think we loved each other, and so the way you treated me - especially in that final message - was just unconscionable. I just can't get my head around something so profoundly sabotaging and cruel. It was weakness, but weakness doesn't have to translate to that. Some people's natures really are just split I guess, and yours must be - because I saw so much good in you, despite the wickedness you showed me.

I am trying to be Christian. I am trying to be kind and take a wider view - but you are so careless with other people's emotions that I wonder if that's the right thing to do, or if there's any point. I look at our pictures and the fire of light and truth and love is still there, but I have started having to recategorise you, and I'm not sure I'll be able to undo that.

You struck a blow to kill the chance of mutual happiness - and it was just plain crazy.

I hope in time I will default back to compassion, because that is the greatest wisdom. For now, clarity will do.