I feel like I'm a mistake. I just want this to end.

Years full of abuse, bullying since I was a toddler. I was that one "weird" isolated kid. My parents never loved each other, and they should have never married. I was also an accident, and my dad wanted my mom to abort me. I was always too "neurodivergent" to fit in. I was that one kid people used as a target for everything, my clothes, my looks, my race. Etc. Even as a child, talking to people was hard for me. I eventually developed Dissociation, and this feeling never got away...

Since age 11, I developed a chronic illness because of my dad bad genes. I was medically neglected and was given a bad medical treatment. I'm an adult now, and it's been years of me dealing with this pain. Sometimes I wonder if this has affected my brain or something.

What people don't talk about is that, no one cares. My family did not care. No one was there. And they were not there because they simply did not want to.

I deal with suicidal ideation, cptsd, chronic pain... and I have lived years of betrayal, dissapointment, depression, ocd, dissociation...

I'm just done honestly. Sometimes you are so used to this, that sometimes you don't even want to think about it. And yet, you never get used to the pain. Today I spoke with my sister about my health, telling her that my body hurt for so many years and how my parents neglected me so bad. Told her my body hurt yesterday. She simply did not cared. She even got to make a "joke", and never took it seriously. She has seen me cry and scream my lungs out, and saw me bedrotting on the clinic. But to her, it's something she can just ignore while she would judge me on the inside, apparently. I do get along with her. We joke, we laugh... but when it comes to me, she doesn't care.

That's another one. It's always about me masking, being the therapists of other, but no one really cares about me. I know many people say that it's not like that, but i's true. I was never loved as a child. I waa that pathetic child that knew that nobody loved them.

I'm so fucking tired of this shit already. I wish I did not existed. Sometimes, I don't want to see the next day. Seriously, I don't want this anymore. People LOVE to shit on people who are escapists, but this is a fucking torture. Every single day, every single year. Meanwhile other people are living a complete different happy life. I feel so flawed.

I think I have even lost my will to live, my dreams everything. I don't even know what else to do. I don't care anymore, I don't want any of this, I don't want nothing. The world I used to know, is gone. I feel like some mistake on the matrix. Someone who was meant to be gone, but was left alive for some reason.