I dreamed of killing my autistic classmate

Back in high school I had this classmate that was autistic. He could not speak, nor move correctly, he had tics and 2 teachers that assisted him. He was so good at drawing and he was the sweetest guy ever. He’d smile whenever I smiled at him and blew me kisses when I did the same. I loved him so so much. Haven’t seen him in 3 years now, don’t know where he is or how he’s doing, but last night I dreamed of killing him.

I was back in high school, and I remember taking his hand and guiding him into the girl’s bathroom. I then grabbed a knife from my backpack and started beating him, punching him in the face, kicking him in the head, until he was whimpering on the floor. Then I grabbed the knife and started cutting him up into pieces, first his arms, then his legs, and then his head. Afterwards I grabbed a black trash bag and put his body parts inside of it, hid the bag in the bin right there.

Then I remembered I started spiraling because I didn’t use gloves, the weapon was still there, probably my dna too. All I cared about was to not get caught. I wasn’t thinking “what did I just do?” Just, “I’m only 18, my life’s gonna end and I’m gonna die in prison”.

I woke up deeply disturbed. I still am shook now as I write this. Does anyone have any idea on why my stupid brain decided to kill that sweet lovely fella? In such an awful way too?