I feel empty after leaving

​Why is it so hard to leave?

​I was with a girl with BPD for about 5 months total and here is my story. ​In the summer of 2025, I saw her for the first time through a mutual friend. She told him that she finds me cute and he texted me that I should make a move if I want to date her... I felt that there was something bad about her, something weird in her let's say.

​I was feeling kinda low and I wanted to get out more so I made plans with both of them to go bowling so it's not a "date" but a nice way to get to know her. I remember that she went to the restroom that day and I literally turned to my friend and told him that she is too crazy for me. She wanted to see me the next day so she made plans with the group but she made our friend cancel on purpose (she texted him behind my back). She did that so we can hang out alone. I felt kinda awkward during that date and saw so many red flags, but ignored all of them.

​Later I asked her on an official date and we went to a lake and I taught her some bachata and salsa since I know them... and omg that was the best first date of my life, it felt so magical, however still many red flags... I mean MANY.

​Later she had to go to her home country and we kept on texting, and the hurting started there when she would party almost daily and I knew that she would be with guys at the parties. I felt so pathetic... but I thought I'm not her boyfriend so why would I have a say on that.

​Later I told her that I actually like her, but she didn't say anything and what she said was that she finds what I said "sweet". I was a bit upset and decided to call her but she didn't want that so I tried anyway and she got really mad at me... and then we kinda stopped contacting each other.

​She got back from the vacation and we hung out as a group again (along with other people than my friend and her). She was upset mid the hangout and was listening to music with headphones and she would give me one of her headphones so that we can listen together... I found that okay but confusing, however when I tried to talk to her she was very dismissive... and at the end she wanted to wait with me for my train and stuff.... I knew she liked me still but her behavior was very confusing.

​We saw each other a couple of times after that but nothing special... but I was obsessed with her, like when she would text me or what she would say.

​After that I got a message that she wanted to see me, she told me that she likes me still and she doesn't know what to do about it since her mental health is not okay and she thinks a relationship is kinda difficult now.... I told her that we should try anyway (stupid me). So we started dating for about 1 month or so.

​During that month... I literally knew that there was something wrong with this person. I tried not to open up a lot to her, because I knew that she was gonna hurt me. When I was with her, I would just not enjoy the time sometimes because of different values... So I thought that the break up isn't gonna hurt me as much because she doesn't know the real me. However...

​It all started going downhill when I think she cheated with her best friend's brother... I'm still not sure she did it, but everything tells me she did. She went to the club with her friends, got drunk, went with him home instead of her friends, she was madly apologizing the next day, and she started feeling really guilty about everything. She also started waking me up at 4 am crying and telling me "I'm sorry."

​Then I decided to strategize about the break up because I didn't wanna mess up my friendship with the others because of her, so I told them what she was doing, and I started acting depressed and insecure so she would find me not attractive anymore... it kinda worked. But I pulled away too much for a few days and she split on me. The next day I broke up with her and told her it was my mental health.

​Then she would text me every few days... Until one day she told me that she is suicidal and she is alone and she is scared of herself and stuff and she has no one else. I got scared and I went to her place and I folded because we had so much chemistry that night and we got back together. I didn't really think it through that night or the day after but yeah... but... ​We agreed to meet up on the next weekend but she was invited to her friend's place with other friends and she asked me if I would get upset if she was gonna cancel and I said no. So she went there.... However,

I hurt my back really bad and I only wanted someone to help me with the most basic stuff like bring me some water or help me go to the toilet since I couldn't walk. ​She said that she CAN'T. Like wtf do you mean she can't... I was always there for her.... even when I knew she cheated and was about to hurt me, I still went to her place when she asked...

​At that moment, I understood that this whole thing is about her... and only her, so I pulled away... a lot this time. She got really upset and 3 days later she texted me that she is there for me when I want to talk to her again (yeah like now she is there for me but she couldn't come ofc when I needed her). I told her okay... and then the next day we had a conversation about what she did, and magically...

​It was all my fault and what I DID TO HER. I was so disappointed and angry with everything, and she ended up breaking up with me at the end because she thinks she can't be a good girlfriend or whatever.... it was all very dumb. And I told her that we can't be friends anymore.

​She didn't text for 2 weeks, but then I texted her that we can actually be friends, just so the ending is kinda on a good page... but then she started texting me every 3 or 4 days... nothing big, but it was so annoying because it kept me hooked and I couldn't really move on. So what I did is that I

​Called her and told her that she has to stop contacting me for the next 3 or 4 months so we can see each other as friends again.

​I feel so hurt, I feel like I can't fucking move on from this person... I don't wanna miss her anymore. I don't wanna be around her or hear her stupid voice. But I just can't. I'm obsessing so badly. ​It has been 5 days since that phone call. And about a month since the break up.