I can't live with(out) my parents

It's been a while i've moved far away from them, but not only because i wanted to be distant, neither to have a life on my own. I don't know who i am, like i cant live without them, since a part of me is constantly there, with them, and elsewhere. But still i am here, and there, so alone.

Even if i wanted to, I feel like i was forced to do so and forced myself to do it.

They're not together and we never actually got to be together, hopefully, i guess. They got divorced when i was 8, at the same time when peers were bullying me and calling me faggot. It turned out they've been right, i'm a proud faggot nowadays, but still that doesnt help, i dont know how to live my life either.

Visiting them is challenging, since i have to split myself here and there and i already feel splitted enough. I barely contact them because i cant deal with the distance and i cant deal with me feeling like a child everytime i try to talk to them. because even if im paying my rent doesnt mean i've grown up. I feel like i miss and always missed something to be able to live, and that something could be them, but i know it's something i cant have.

I feel like nothing matter to me but them. And I don't know how to cope with that. I just feel like shit and guilty all the time to not being with them.