Day 11

Been lurking for awhile. I saw a post recently where OP discusses a quote from Steve-O, something along the lines of how alcohol doesn't necessarily destroy you all at once, but can have the effect of limiting your potential.

My weapon of choice has changed over the years. Liquor turned into beer which turned into wine. I can down a bottle of wine quickly, no problem, and want more. I don't even get hungover. I'd hide bottles from people who would come over knowing they would disapprove. On days off, I'd start early. Why not? I had nothing better to do.

Maybe that's the problem - I thought I had nothing better to do. I work two jobs, somewhat successfully getting through a master's program, maintaining a relationship. It's okay, but I am often unhappy. I tend to reflect negatively on my life as a lot has gone wrong. I feel as though I have been treated unfairly and have ended up where I am because of it, and I know I tried to do the right things and was rewarded for it. I also often look towards the future expecting the steps I take to try to better my life to fall apart as they so often do.

I have learned that trusting others to do the right thing is foolish. I have learned that people will always choose what benefits them over you. I have learned that fairness is a myth. And I have learned that drinking because you're sad keeps you sad.

All of this to say that despite whatever BS happens in your life, alcohol is poor self-medication. It's an easy band-aid that pushes sadness to tomorrow. It may very well be the one thing limiting your potential - the potential to look at things differently, experience the day through clearer and less tired eyes, have more positive conversations with yourself and others.

It's day 11. I am still sad. I still think about the people who have hurt me and continue to do so. I still linger in memory of hurt from those I choose to keep in my life and those I pushed away. I feel as though these thoughts come on more than usual because I'm not in a drunken haze - and I find myself wanting to grab a bottle of red on the way home from work as I had done so many, many times before.

Sorry for the vent. I won't drink today, I hope you don't either.