How to ruin you marriage. No real Communication.

First I'll set the story. My wife of twenty years cheated on me for a period of 4 months. It consisted of Reddit sexting, Discord live play videos, Lovesense play with others and a couple of meet ups. I found out by accident. A twist of fate I did something I don't do. I heard my wife smart watch vibrating and I picked it up thinking I would bring it to her. There I found her chatting with someone from Reddit setting a meet up. I confronted her and the shit hit the fan for days. I found one thing after another and she tried to minimize or hide details. I got her a polygraph to make sure there was nothing else I didn't know and she passed. She was in a state I had never seen her in. She was in a panic, begging me not to leave, admitted she fucked up. I squashed her attempts at deflections and made her own her bullshit. She honestly though sexting, talking to people on discord with videos done live just for her or using Lovesense was a grey zone. I asked her why she hid it then. She said it made her ashamed and I said there you go it's cheating. Now I sound clam now but I was a wreck everyday, crying, upset stomach, bearly sleeping and calling off work.

The part where I fucked up is this. I didn't realize how much I was abrasive, dismissive, incidently mean and unsupportive. We lost a baby years ago and I never knew how to tell her how sad I was. How I was so happy to have one with her. How I wanted to try again. We just moved on with our life having our ups and downs. I didn't know how to explain my emotions let alone open up and be vulnerable. My wife thought I had love for her but I wasn't in love with her. At least not until she saw I was an emotional ball of tears when I found everything. She deleted all accounts, threw out all her toys, immediately got tested and enrolled into counseling with me and a polygraph.

We have had the hardest 2 weeks of our lives trying to figure out where our love for each other went off the tracks.

I guess the old Communication fucked us. We forgot how to talk to each other. We forgot how to comfort each other. We forgot we used to be in lock step. We forgot how much we enjoyed each other's company. We forgot we were more than friends and roommates. We forgot the genuine love and excitement not see each other. We assumed it was all just the way it was.

I don't know where we are going from here but I have hope. We are making plans together to at the minimum learn to live with the damage we both caused but that's the low bar. I going for the high bar ,counseling, learning to love properly, learn to talk with and not at, remembering why we love each other to begin with.

Maybe in the future a baby.

Learn to talk with love, compassion and understanding. I still trying to get there.