My dad has been thinking about me sexually since I was a kid.

I already posted one today, so that's 2 for 2 confessions out.

But yeah, it hadn't fully hit me until a year ago when I started getting random memories or flashbacks of my childhood. I can't tell if my memory is making up things, but I remember blurry memories of my dad zipping up pants near me like in my face. But the memory starts and stops only when he zips the pants. There have been times where my mum have said to be careful around him and to never let him or anyone, even siblings touch my butt. She would do exercises where she would go up the stairs behind me and touch butt and she would tell me to swat the hand away. I didn't think much until she passed and I let that marinate. During lockdown, I would walk around braless, and my mum would yell and say to put on a bra, and now it makes sense. When he would ask for help on technology, he would sit on my bed and stroke my thighs and back and shoulders. I would move away and tell him to get off the bed because he smelled of cigarettes, but he would inch a bit towards me. Then continue touching. He also would rub my back around the bra strap area and linger there kinda like to see if I had a bra on. One day, my mum randomly came in and saw he was there and told him he needed to get off the bed and he shouldn't be entering my room as I was a girl. And she would tell him to do this downstairs. Now that I'm older, my mum was defo protecting me. This was during the end of her life, so she knew there wasn't much she could do other than kinda "teach me to avoid or try prevent anything". Then she passed, and my dad began to get more bold. When I was in kitchen alone washing dishes, he would stand behind really close and hold my shoulders and rub, or he would snack my butt. He would smack it and if he only skimmed, he would go again until he hit it. I do admit I didn't tell him to go or no, but he kept doing it. One day I went under the table to play with the cat and he came home before I could finish quickly crawling out, and he crawled behind me and smacked my butt multiple times. I felt so disgusted. I also hate that he saw my boobs one time when I was wearing a loose t-shirt while cleaning. I was on all 4's to hoover in a crevice under the bed, and he crawled behind me in this tight area where my bed was, and asked me for help with technology. And I didn't realise but when I turned around, my top must have draped down and revealed my boobs. I didn't realise until he left that my top was hanging down and I had no bra on as it was lockdown. I hate myself for doing that.

I now get guilt whenever I wear bras because it obviously pushes the boobs up a bit, as it supports, and it makes me feel like I'm doing it for attention and "enhancing" my boobs.

I do find myself regressing and acting like a kid sometimes, or at least having the mindset of a kid. I feel guilty for wearing clothes that reveal my hip outline or tight fitting pants around the butt area. Sometimes I become hypersexual in the way I think but then a lot of times I'm hyperconservative. To the point where my fashion style has been forced to be conservative because I cannot wear any outfit that doesn't have a jacket on top of. I am slowly beginning to wear longsleeve shirts without a jacket when I'm in my uni accomodation. But i have good days and bad days. I haven't been able to be in public in just a long sleeve shirt yet, so thats a 2026 goal tbf. To get to a point where it is the norm to wear a shirt without a jacket. It does help because my sister always hypes me up when i wear a nice shirt. She doesn't know about all this, but they know I never wear shirts without a jacket.

But yeah. I can't lie, I have so many confessions I can't tell anyone I know in real life.