I’m miserable

I had my 2nd child over a month ago and I was overall happy the first month, but the last two weeks have been miserable. I feel so exhausted- even if I am able to rest because my husband is caring for our baby, I am never truly relaxed. I find myself questioning why we decided this life for us when one child was already a struggle most days. I find myself not wanting to hold our baby and I don’t feel much love or affection when I look at her. I only enjoy holding her when she is sleeping or content, but besides that, I dread her crying and feel anxious every night. My toddler is in love with her but he is also only 3 years old and still needs a lot of TLC. I’m just so burnt out and find myself wishing I could go back to work early (which is a very demanding job) so I can escape this life. I feel like a piece of shit because my husband loves being a dad and takes on so much of the load himself, but it’s still not enough to help me with this feeling of dread each day.

On top of all of this, my husband agreed to get a vasectomy but keeps putting it off and making jokes about it. I don’t find this funny and he keeps making excuses for why he hasn’t schedule the doctors appointment. It’s just adding on to my anxiety and I don’t know how to get through to him that I don’t take this lightly. The thought of another baby makes me so upset bc I don’t want to go through the newborn stage ever again.

I just wish I were a mom who loved being a mom.