I don't know how much more of this I can take.

(18) My life has been a constant cycle of meeting people and them becoming the most important people in my life, only for it to be one-sided relationship and they leave me. I present myself normal and try to talk normal but my social anxiety is such a nightmare that I think it drives people away from me. I'm a twin, but my sibling is much more successful in their life than me and my family favors them.

I'm not amounting to everything in my life and I feel like I'm an alien trying to fit in on Earth because for some reason, I never fit in anywhere. I don't know what to do but if I lose another relationship in my life I'm going to crash out. I'm not actively suicidal, but whenever I'm going through something that hurts me bad I guess my coping mechanism is like "I'm going to die I'm going to die I'm going to leave the Earth and be done with this shit".

I can't get therapy because I don't have money or a job, I've been sending applications but nothing is coming back. That's another reason I'm going to crash out. My parents won't help me because they don't believe anything is wrong with me (despite the fact in the past I have explicitly told them I've had suicidal tendencies in the past. They grazed over it.) I just hate being alive, my life has been a never ending test where I keep failing. I just want to get married, maybe adopt a kid, but no one's ever been attracted to me and I don't think anyone ever will be. Thanks for reading.