36F and 40M, two kids, taxes no but causing relationship rift

Hi all,

I’ve been with my partner for 13 years. Two kids. For context, he’s typically always been making more than me, until three years ago. I’ve been paying for the family health insurance for the past 8 years because he was a contractor and didn’t have health insurance. In the past three years I’ve also been contributing to our HSA, and we took 2 loans out of my 401k to build a house which I pay back out of my paycheck. He built the actually house which I’m much appreciative of, and I tried my best to contribute financially as much as I could. So since we’ve had our kids I’ve always claimed them on my taxes and we usually got a pretty good refund. He was fine with that. But since I started making more I’m in a different tax bracket and the refund is little to minimal, a big drop from before.

Last year we had a joint account up until June when he decided I was giving him a hard time and he didn’t want to take care of the finances anymore. Also last year in February when I did taxes, he said I needed ti switch my contribution from HoH to single. I switched it and my paycheck was lower so we decided to switch it back and that was that, I thought we were fine and I’d claim HoH again this year. Until this Saturday.

I ask him what he’s been up to that morning, he says doing his taxes and he’d get $(a certain amount) back if he claimed the kids. This was a shock to me and I maybe reacted poorly but I was basically like what? What do you mean? If you claim the kids, I’ll owe a huge amount because I’ve had HoH with two dependents elected on my tax form. He says well I told you to switch it. Basically his argument was 1. He told me to switch it 2. I should’ve known to switch my tax election after we separated account and 3.(this one hurts the most) I’m benefitting by electing HoH and I absorb that refund with my paycheck. He also basically to an extent called me selfish.

He also owes some back taxes, and any refund might go to that, or if it doesn’t it would go to improve the house. I feel like he’s not thinking about me at all, and how can he say I’m absorbing some refund money when I’m covering health costs, etc. which come out to more than the actual refund itself. I also am surprised that his first instinct wasn’t let’s talk this through and instead “ I’m taking you off my health insurance”. There are other issues too, like snide comments about the sink always being full of dishes even if it’s only 1 day out of the week he sees dishes in there. I also had an interview where there would be some travel required, I told him about the travel and he said “well that’s what you’d like” in a sarcastic tone. I also went back to school to finish my degree and rather than encouragement, he said who is going to pay the student debt. I just don’t feel supported and then he comes with the whole insurance and tax issue, and now I’m just thinking does he even give a shit about me.

Of course I start with, well I pay for our health insurance along with HSA, 401k loans (which all comes out to significantly more than the $2K tax credit you get per child). And of course as soon as I mention health insurance he thinks I’m being resentful or something. We stop talking, two days later he comes in the house and says that he’s taking me off his health insurance (we switched to his in Dec because he got a new job and it was cheaper, and I was going to make up the difference with my pay). I say I don’t understand, you know my enrollment period ended. And he says well I didn’t tell you to unenroll from yours. I honestly am shocked.

I’m considering just taking a loss on my tax returns, claiming single, letting him claim the kids and that’s that, but I feel like I’d resent him for that and this situation would come up again. So do I fight this and claim HoH, or just claim single, take a loss, separate our health insurance in order to keep the peace.