I try so hard and I am never enough

I just need to scream into a void

I had a panic attack tonight because I was getting ready for this semester of school, and between all the school work, placement and my actual job I don't feel like there are enough hours in the day. My parents got mad and blew me off. They don't even want to have dinner with me because I am emotional. I try so hard to keep it together, but it feels like when I can't mask my emotions anymore, everyone hates me.

The same people who constantly ask me not to kill myself and there's "so much to live for," but don't want to deal with me. I don't want to deal with me, that's why I've tried to kill myself so many times but you fuckers guilt me into staying and then get done with me when I am not okay. I hate it her,e and idk even know why I care what they say anymore. I can't even talk about this in therapy without fear of ANOTHER INVOLUNTARY MENTAL HEALTH HOLD. Also, riddle me this, I have been to the hospital asking for help, and they turned me away, but when I don't ask for help, everyone drags me there against my fucking will. Help the people who want help, leave the rest of us alone. We want to die for a reason. Fuck this fucking place.