One thing that I do appreciate is that we had a discussion about how he wanted to be remembered.

He told me he didn’t want to have a funeral because the people that would show up are not the people who have shown up for him. His family completely disowned him after his father died, and I was left alone to care for him. I think he was concerned that his family or his ex-wife or his asshole son would show up and make me feel like shit. 

What we decided to do instead was recreate an adventure that we had gone on years back. He wanted us to sail back to the dry Tortuga’s and sprinkle his ashes. With everyone’s schedule and trying to get down to Key West Florida, this obviously did not happen right after his death.

I’m so scared I haven’t started packing. I know that the people that were sailing with are all amazing people. But it’s also all couples, except for me. 

I find myself crying a lot more lately. Like in the beginning, I cried a lot and then I kind of went numb and as the holidays approached, I got worse. Now that this weekend is coming, it’s like it’s really over. Not that it hasn’t been because I haven’t seen her touched him in so long.

I am a nurture and a giver, and I’m super generous and unfortunately, I don’t have anybody like that in my life that will give back to me or support me emotionally… 

I find that even now with this elephant on my chest, all I do is give, love, support, encouragement and then I’m sitting alone at the end of the day. 

I am going to put my invisibility quote back on and go cry in the bathtub. 

xx

His memorial is this weekend & I am so overwhelmed