So I (21F) need help understanding what all this means.

I remember when I was a kid I would stare at my older female neighbours ass because I wanted my butt to juggle the way her was doing so I walked funny.

I also remember masterbating to a picture of Megan Fox, I also used to look at gifs of women having sex and would focus on their face, body, and movements.

When I masterbate now I enjoy hearing and seeing women in pleasure but I also enjoy watching videos of very submissive men.

When I was in grade 7 I had a panic attack because I thought I was a lesbian because I had a deep crush on my girl best friend.

I get jealous of seeing lesbian couples out when in around town.

Also when I went to pride last year I wanted to cry because I felt seen and overwhelmed by joy.

When I read lesbian smut books I don’t get turned on as much as straight smut books but the reason I think so is because I don’t understand how lesbian sex works and when I read the sex scenes I get confused

When I kiss men I don’t feel tingles or sparks. The only ever time I’ve felt those sparks with a man is when I kissed my ex boyfriend, when I kissed my sisters younger brother (we were around the same age) and when I kissed a Mormon boy.