Loss of fertility grief

I’ve never been one who dreampt of a big family. In fact, my family life growing up made me feel like I didn’t want kids at all. Fast forward to having met my soulmate - and - despite a rocky road to get there (my fertility was poor and we needed IUI - then pregnancy sent me into a crazy depression), we have two beautiful daughters we are grateful for, beyond measure.

If you’d asked me before marriage, I’d have said I was complete without kids.

If you’d have asked me when I was pregnant with daughter 2, I would have said our family was complete with the members we’re blessed by.

If you were to ask me how I felt today, I probably wouldn’t be able to get the words out because of the enormous grief I feel - that my reproductive years are gone and that I’d never experience the magical, heaven-like moment of welcoming another baby.

I still have periods - erratically. My fertility workup is abysmal. Yet I feel like a frantic animal, wanting to escape this barren future ahead of me. I feel like I lost something essential in myself. My womanhood. My femininity. My “potential”

It’s to the point where, even though it’s like lighting tens of thousands of dollars on fire - I want to make a last run at preserving embryos with my husband. I just want the chance. The choice, to remain. Even if it’s a 1-5% chance, it feels better than 0 (but it may be 0 bc I don’t have limitless funds to go after this).

I feel crazy. I just don’t know what else to do - how to approach this - or how to possibly live through it to the other side.

Has anyone else gotten to the point where”other side” of this feeling?

I feel so much guilt for focusing on what I’m losing instead of what I have