My greatest shame

My first sexually experience was in mid-late elementary, I can't remember exactly how old I was but it started around a little after I began puberty. Long story short, there were 4 of us (3 of my cousins and myself, simlar ages) one suggested we play a game. Prior to the "game" we showed/talked about each others bodies. It was clear to who's breast were coming in and one cousin asked if we had hair down there. I reluctantly showed mine, since a simple yes wasn't enough. I was paired with my younger cousin, who actually took the lead. At the time, I had very little to no knowledge of sex or any sexual activities. I just knew I didn't want to be touched down there so I ended up getting my nipples sucked, she humped or "rode" me and I reciprocated as instructed, and we kissed/made out. Looking back now, I feel sorry for my cousins, they must've had some kind of experience or witnessed the sexual behavior prior to this. Especially my cousin who I was paired with, she was the youngest at the time but seemed pretty knowledgeable and excited about what we were doing.

I've re-enacted with 3 of my siblings. Once or twice with my sister, once with my sister and brother (1) and multiple times with my youngest brother (2) at the time. Now the instances with my sister and brother (1) were more than likely reenactments of porn my sister and I have seen. We were under 12, the 3 of us never did anything like that again. I'm not even sure if they remember and I don't plan on bringing it up.

For my younger brother (2), I don't recall how or when it started. I am 7 years older than him so I am assuming I was the one who initiated it but I don't remember. I genuinely can't place a time frame for this using years, I just know it started at the apartment we lived in and went on a little bit once we moved into a house but it didn't go beyond that first year in the house. It didn't happen regularly but enough for it to become a thing if that makes sense.

The main/only thing was him sucking on my nipples. One time I asked for oral, he tried and didn't like it. We didn't do anything else, sometimes he would ask me to touch him and I would most of the time because it seemed fair. He also asked for oral once as well, I used a sandwich bag as a condom and like him, I tried and didn't like it.

He is turning 17 this year, I'd say we have a good relationship now. Even without the sexual stuff we had our issues and there was a point when I genuinely hated him. He is sexually active and has been since 12/13, I don't know if I had anything to do with that or if it's normal. I don't think he remembers anything, I hope he doesn't at times and I know how selfish that is but I simply wouldn't be able to handle if it come out, at least not now.

At some point I had blocked all of this out, a lot of my time and energy was going towards my academics and watching my siblings/ helping take care of the house. Over the past 6/7 years, memories have surfaced and my guilt and shame began to grow. I recently turned 24, this all ended 10/11 years ago. Part of me wants to move on from this and another part doesn't think I deserve to. I understand I was a child/minor however I was old enough to be aware of sexual health and was in fear of getting caught/trouble.

I know I want to write a letter to my brother (and my other siblings) to apologize and take accountability for taking his innocence. Instead of giving it to him, I'll probably end up burning it to symbolize a sort of release. My hope is that his spirit receives it and that maybe when we're older or even in the afterlife, we can have a proper discussion (if that's what he wants) and I can apologize for my actions face to face and hopefully earn his forgiveness, though I do not expect it. Of course, if he were to bring this up or any of my siblings, as hard as it may be I am more than willing to take accountability and face whatever may come afterwards.

I just found this sub a few days ago and I am grateful to have a space and the opportunity to share my story. Like I mentioned above, part of me wants to heal and move on, I hope working through this will have a positive and significant impact in my mental health and relationship with myself.