‎i almost texted you today.

‎i almost texted you today, not because i thought you would answer, but because for a split second i forgot that we do not do that anymore. i wanted to tell you something small, something stupid, something that would not make sense to anyone else except you. my brain reached for you out of habit, like muscle memory, like my hands already knew where to go even if my heart knew better. parang saglit lang na nalimutan ko kung bakit ako umalis, kung bakit ko kinailangan tumigil. healing failed to remind me how much it hurt last time, and my heart, as fragile and hopeful as ever, still thought maybe this time would be different. ‎ ‎but i did not text you. i let the moment pass kahit ang bigat, kasi alam ko na kung paano nagtatapos yan. one message becomes a doorway, and that doorway leads back to waiting, to overthinking, to me shrinking myself again just to fit into a silence you never meant to fill. naalala ko kung gaano kamahal yung binayad ko the last time i checked in, kung paano akong nag rebuild ng sarili ko dahan dahan, pretending i was fine when i was barely holding it together. closing that door took effort, took restraint, took choosing myself kahit masakit, and ayokong sayangin yun just because i missed being understood in the smallest ways. so i stayed quiet, hindi dahil wala na akong pakialam, kundi dahil naaalala ko na ngayon kung magkano yung kapalit.