bpd vent, sorry

im so tired of feeling everything all the time. why does one stupid thing ruin my entire day.. someone doesn’t reply and my brain immediately goes “they hate you, they’re leaving, you messed up.” i know it’s stupid, but knowing doesn’t make it stop. i feel fucking insane.

i hate how attached i get, i hate how i need people so much. when someone is nice to me i cling on like my life depends on it and then i get scared and jealous and overthink every little thing they do, and then i hate myself for being like this because i don’t want to be controlling or annoying or too much.

i don’t even know who i am. i just change depending on who i’m with because im terrified if i act “wrong” they’ll leave. and when im alone i just feel empty. not sad, not happy, just nothing. like i don’t exist unless someone’s paying attention to me.

i’m exhausted. everything feels too intense and i can’t turn it off. one small thing goes wrong and my brain immediately spirals into “they hate me” and “i’m being abandoned.” i get attached too fast and then hate myself for caring so much. i don’t even know who i am anymore, just moods and overthinking. i try so hard not to be too much but it never feels like enough. im too much and not enough at the same time.

i have to be perfect, but i can’t perfect dozens of personalities i switch up depending on the person im with. i need to be perfect because if im not, then im nothing,