I can't resist anymore...

Myself (M22) and my Fiancee (F21) have been together for about 5 years now. We are what you’d probably call the perfect couple. She’s beautiful, she’s caring, loving, funny, you name it. She’s comically far out of my league. I love her more than anything in this world. But I wouldn't be here if something wasn’t wrong.

For about a year and a half now I’ve had a massive, inexplicable urge to cheat on her. I don’t really know where the urge came from, it just sorta appeared. It started as an offhand thought, the kinda thing you brush off as an intrusive thought and then go about your day. Then the thought became more frequent, more alluring, and eventually, too strong to resist.

I know it’s fucked up, I know it’s awful, I know I’m probably a huge piece of shit, but at this point the urge is too much to resist. Truth be told, this is not the first time I’ve done this. I’ve “cheated” more times than I can count starting about a year ago. Never in real life though, only online flings. Occasionally it’s just roleplay, occasionally pics are sent, sometimes videos or calls. It’s all fucked up and awful and I shouldn’t do it but it’s fucking addicting.

Each time I’ve cheated online, I told myself all I wanted was a one time fling. Just do it once to sate the urge and continue life as normal. It’s a lie. It’s always a lie. It’s a lie I tell myself to make the guilt go away. Deep down, I want something more, I want somebody to tell me to keep going. The online stuff was enough to feed the urge before, but every single time I do this, the urge grows.

Deep down, I know I want more than just an online fling. I want something more, something more fucked up, something so much worse. But I guess the fucked up nature of it is the alluring part. Something about letting my deep, dark, depraved fantasies run wild is beyond hot.

So yeah, I know it’s wrong but I’m gonna do it. The wrongness of it is the allure, in a way. I’m gonna try to last as long as I can. I think I can actually sustain something this time. I suppose I'll find out, won't I.