My bf 26M has dark secrets that I, 20F, now have to deal with living in the same space

Hi my names hevanalis, im a bad bitch. No fr like I’m actually pretty stunning. Which is why idk why men don’t like loyal pretty woman and why it’s not enough to keep them. I’m currently on and off with my bf. He seemed great at the start. Very quickly we fell in love under crazy circumstances… which I was to soon find out. Like any normal couple. After a while he asked me to move in with him. Ofc I said yessssss. I love him. Which ultimately might be my downfall. Shock after shock my life has been draining away after finding out each one. I’d rather list them than going into detail:

-went thru his phone n found out he was texting people younger than me. (I’m already 6 yrs younger than him)

-found his wild sex past in videooooooooosssssss HE recorded

Some of u might think well his past is his past blah blah blah… agreed but some of it was while we first stated our relationship and he failed to mention he didn’t like girls specifically he just liked anything identifying as a woman.

It’s made me so self conscious and I over think a lot. It’s caused sever ptsd and trauma, yet not bc of what I found, but bc he couldn’t tell me himself. Now I’m messed up and mad every day bc I tried to move on from that and he won’t even give me an ounce of effort for our relationship…. Bc who tf do yk staying after they find sum out like that? Me. Bc I loved him

-he lies and hides and deletes messages thru his phone and acts like I’m crazy when I find the on his Apple Watch. All dating apps, sent money to other girls, asks girls to link allllllllll while we laid in the same bed. Wild huh

-he turns the WiFi off on me when he knows I’m abt to have to pay my phone plan and acts like he didn’t. Which he only does when I’m finding stuff out abt him and he’s not at the house with me. Bc he has to have control some type of way.

-he had his EX bch living with him for over a year after they broke up. So he told me she was gonna be gone by the time I came and yet she wasn’t. I had to corner her alone when he was at work to figure out the whole story

Apparently this man didn’t even tell her I was his gf moving in. She thought I was just visiting.

-he told me abt her prior to coming saying he signed a lease with her and it would’ve been up in January…. Gave me her number to communicate properly through our whole transition. …it was all fake. Lease was fake. Number was fake. They both was in on it yet they swear they was never fucing, yea okkkkkk.

• he writes me 6+ pg letters and then the next day acts like he don’t even know wha he wrote bc his actions don’t reflect the “work” he was saying he was gonna put in to make us better.

• he got arrested on holiday for stolen car which he said was a family members, turns out the family was just as confused as me. He lied. Idc abt a stolen car. I care abt the principle.

-more of the transformers he texts honestly might look better than me and seeing wha he actually likes makes me hate myself even more.

These are just some of the things. And yet I try to work with him every day. I pray, I can barely sleep, I journal, I stress, I’m on the edge. I’m in love with a person who either doesn’t love me, doesn’t know how to show love, or someone who never loved me and regardless all of those options suck.

Ofc now u prolly want to hear the fault I had in making it like this, although there’s not many, ik I have a smart mouth when I get disrespected.

Finding all that out and choosing peace so may Times was hard. Every time I found some thing I would always ask the straight up question, whatever it may be. Some people don’t like directness, they get uncomfortable, especially when they can’t lie on the spot. So after I ask and he doesn’t answer, I ask again and cry and beg beg beg him to. Bc I can’t go thru day after day with these unsolved secrets in my heart. He usually doesn’t care if I cry, usually turns his attention somewhere else. But when I get mad that’s when I get a reaction. And theatre what’s been happening more. He lied and said ur at work but ur w ur ex that’s abt to move soon so yea don’t grab me and hold me on the floor bc I’ll pepper spray you, and I did. He acts like he wants me dead with the amount of care I receive. My anger is what gets him to pay attention. But he could care less when it LOOKS visible my hearts about to break. It takes me crying and throwing cups of water around the room. It turns into me ripping up letters all over the place. It ties into an argument at 7am bc he was hiding things on his phone and turning it away where I wouldn’t see and find out.

And I hate instigators…. That’s all he does. I could be mid panic attack and he’s straight up laughing in my face. Since we met. Tell me, is that not something a narcissist would do? Create pain and then laugh at the aftermath of the damage he caused to “someone he loves”? Well that’s him. The gaslighter. The ability to do everything wrong and yet SEE no wrong in his actions. Which is why his apologies lack in sincerity and so does my faith for him after every time he disappoints me.

Yea u might see me now and think she’s crazy, but this is the back story to how one man uprooted my life. Unknowingly it was gonna turn into something worse.

I wish I could erase everything I seen I wish I had the power to move out and start my new fresh life but I can’t I wish I could fix him into them a he said he wanted to be for me I wish I could mold him into the father he said he wanted to become. And now it feels like all of it is failing bc all he knows how to do is lie and keep secrets…

Well that’s fine ig bc all ik how to do is tell the truth once I find those secrets out

Bc at the end of the day I’m hurt, I put up with it alone, bc he knows all I had is myself. My diary and journal aren’t safe bc he goes thru it.

So let’s try reddit