I experimented with B*astiality and I hate it.

is gonna be a long one, I've been having a really hard time with this for months. Please bare with me. I'm 19 if that makes any difference, 18 at the time this occured.

So, a few months ago I started on testosterone, not exactly ftm but more so to gain more confident in the way I look, gain qualities I was comfortable with, I haven't been the most comfortable in my skin since a very traumatic SA situation, ongoing since 2022, so this was a big milestone.

On top of that, I had stopped smoking weed, which was another very big milestone for me, given I smoked heavily and it started to effect almost every waking moment of my life, along with my ongoing depression, anxiety, and PTSD (Therapist and general doctor both have dictated that this was true, have been on and off with therapists for a few years)

But soon family and home life got stressful, I fell back into weed, and found both the weed and testosterone to be rather difficult, uncomfortable sexual urges Id never usually have, thoughts of random pervy things outside of my usual norm. I'm generally hypers*xual, have dabbled into the more darker parts of the Internet when the 'vanilla' stuff got old, and started to handle the urges with just as uncomfortable urges. I started watching be*stiality, given this wasn't the first time, I had internet access as young as 8 and your bound to find weird messed up things. But this time it lingered, I kept indulging even when my body seemed interested but my mind was honestly disgusted by it despite the weird pleasured feelings.

And when stress and weed and weird urges all piled up, I came home from work and grabbed one of our cats, and let it lick me, put my mouth on it back, and then it all set in what I just did. I don't remember actually thinking about it, maybe I was thinking but acting anyways regardless, and after I showered, then came the guilt and the disgust, realizing that I'd really just done something so awful and horrible and disgusting, done something like that to another being, alive and now burdened with whatever the hell I did, and kind of just blanket out for the rest of the week, later on I also washed the cat like I thought that would take away everything. It didn't, I don't really remember anything but that first day and only the worst parts.

I stopped the testosterone, only ever mentioned what happened once to a doctor, and then never said a work about it again. That was back in October. Since then I got sober, have been working hard at my job and even got a second, and have been trying to keep myself busy.

I don't know what to think of it, haven't and won't ever really come to terms with it. I don't even feel like that was me, like someone else had my body, like I was just a person in a video game being moved around and made to do horrible shit like a fucked up version of GTA. Maybe it was the heavy use of weed that already messed with my head combined with the new jump of testosterone messing with my body and rational thoughts on top of stress and everything. Maybe it was a p*rn addiction that got way out of hand before I even knew it. Maybe I really just am a horrible disgusting person that needs to go to jail.

But I don't know. I'm emotional, I'm stressed out like hell and don't trust myself, I feel like I've gotten away with murder and should be incarcerated, I feel like any anger and sadness and regret is deserved for what I did.

But honestly, I need a second opinion. Preferably from someone that knows about what these things do to a person, if this is something that has to do with the testosterone and already predetermined issues and heavy weed use combined, or if it really is just that I'm a horrible and irredeemable person.