I just self harmed

I’ve been feeling more and more depressed to the point it’s changing my personality. To make matters worse my dog just died and I held her in my arms while she passed then had to take a plane back home to another state I live in away from my family. I’m realizing now every time I’m alone I have terrible thoughts that consume me. I’m waiting to get health insurance so I can be medicated. I had some left over lexapro and I took one yesterday. I’m gonna go to sleep. I just don’t want to tell anyone and this is the outlet I can do it without hurting anyone close to me. It’s so stupid to do I know. But I had an unsettling disturbing urge to feel pain and it’s like it completely took over and I needed to do something. I’m shaking a bit. Everyone knows I’m not doing well but they don’t understand how much I hold in. It’s fuckjng terrible and I wish I could not feel this way but I’m stuck. I cut my upper thighs because I can hide that easily for now. I cut my arm a bit but on the underside so it can be hidden. Won’t do arms in the future as I don’t need everyone to see it to feel better. I just need to feel pain. Idk what’s wrong with me and don’t know how to navigate these emotions.