i wish that i had a unaltered body

(unsure if this should be labeled nsfw. please tell me if i made the wrong choice)

i’m a intersex, transfeminine person. i go by it/its, am intergender, and unlabeled. (for those confused; i am transfeminine, which does not explicitly decide a gender. intergender is where your identity as intersex affects your gender— for me, it has affected me where i’d like my gender to have no labels past intergender and transfeminine.)

i cannot prove it, but i am sure my genitals were altered in some way at birth, causing me to be labeled AFAB.

this label is breaking me down, and i’m not quite sure how to deal with it. i feel so selfish for being a ‘woman’ by the government standards, while still being transfem. truth be told; i do not want my birth body to represent a woman. in some ways, i represent a man with my broad shoulders, aspects of genitalia, and general build. but in the end, i still have a vagina and a woman’s voice, and that realization that i will never be seen as amab, that the dice roll favored turning me into a feminine mixture of both sexes, is breaking me.

i do not fit in with trans men because i am not a trans man; i am transfeminine.

i do not fit in with most trans women because i want to have a male body.

i do not fit in with other intersex people i’ve met because i have simply never met anyone like me.

today, i decided to ask my friends what they thought my birth sex was; even the ones who havent seen me or heard my voice. big mistake. all of them said afab, and that realization that i will never be seen as the other sex broke me more than i thought it ever would.

today, i was going to get a license, so i had to bring my birth certificate along— seeing my name, alongside the big check beside ‘F’, hurt me so badly.

i just want to end my life so hopefully i’ll be born into a body that’ll actually be what i want it to be. i want to be masculine, i want to be feminine at the same time. anytime i see a untransitioned transgender woman, i just fill with envy at what i could’ve been

what i hate most is that i am alone in all of this. i will never find anyone with the same issue as me, i will never find anyone with the same identity as me. before, i just was happy i am special; but now i realize, sometimes being special is a curse

i wish i was normal