I may just need someone to tell me everything is gonna be alright.

[this ended up being far longer than I expected]

A little before covid, I met the most wonderful person on Okcupid. When the lockdown took place, we started chatting every day and every night. Almost a year into lockdown I moved to a farm. We met in person. She stayed months at a time with me at the farm. We were incredibly happy and had a lot of dreams.

My mom died in 2021, dad in early 2024. I had a mental breakdown over the fact that, in the back of my head, I always thought about offing myself when they weren't here anymore, because I didn't want to do that to them. But there was her... I didn't know how to process my own thoughts and became distant. And I don't wanna toot my own horn, but I'm a delightful person. I got her used to being with the most wonderful guy ever. I cooked, cleaned, made any effort possible to make her happy, we didn't have a fight in 4 years, and the only time we spoke less than lovely to the other we both apologized immediately. I was a dream guy in a dream place... until I faced the fact that I still thought about offing myself. And I took the great person I was away from her, I changed. That broke her heart. She tried so hard for so many months to get "me" back.

I had to move back to the city. Eventually she met someone new, she thought she might wanna be poly. She broke up with me after I started therapy and medication. The other guy turned out to be a manipulative a-hole. She met someone new who was poly. We wanted to get back so hard that we couldn't be apart more than one month and started seeing each other in secret, because or break up was big news. I left the medication because it was making bad things to my body/brain.

We ended up together again as partners. But I am not poly. I accepted her anyways. It was hard but we managed. We did start having a different kind of relationship, we didn't fight fight but there was tension from time to time because of her other relationship. Every time I lighted a candle or anything I wispered "To get back as things were before".

I don't think about ending things anymore, or at least not like a desire. I had a health scare on the day after christmas, I fainted and nobody knows why. She told me she thought I died for a second and that stirred a lot of stuff.

She's been having issues with her other partner and even though I am not poly, I did my best to listen to her and try to make her feel better whenever she felt bad about anything, including her other relationship. Which ended this sunday. I went to see her, we spent all day together. We went to a lake near her home. We talked a lot, she cried a lot. I helped her to my best abilities. Today (wednesday) she's not as sad anymore. She's pissed with the other guy.

All this time since we got back together, we talked a lot about getting back as we were, all loving, all adorable and cuddly. And we talked about how we were planning on moving together, before I had my mental breakdown, the break up and everything.

This sunday she told me she really really wants to live with me, make a future, someday (2030) marry, have the rest of our lives together. I just started crying. I couldn't stop crying. This is everything I wanted. I'm crying right now. I'm SO happy but f-kcdammit I'm so scared.

I don't have prospects. I'm a 38 years old highschool drop out who makes a minuscule, below poverty line life by writing. She's a recently turned 30 years old actress and (recently certified) acting professor. I am broke and so is she, but she does have a bright future ahead, she's always the best in everything she's in. She even met and worked with some big-ish names (weirdly, me too, but as an exra, before covid).

I can't afford therapy. I can't afford to be crazy. I can't afford to screw things up again. She's the most loving and adorable person in the world, everyone loves her, my mom gave her her blessing before passing away (and she didn't bless sh*t, ever).

She says that she sees me exactly as I was before everything went to hell. She doesn't hold a grudge at all, she keeps telling me she knows why I had that mental breakdown and that it's "not my fault", that "I've done the work to get better" and she's so supporting.

But I can't get a freaking "real" job since I moved back to the city. I can't dream like before, because I know I can't afford to dream anymore. And I'm so sad about being so afraid to never be able to help her get on trips, vacations, fancy appliances, non-fancy appliances, etcetera.

She knows my fears. She knows I'm not "the" problem (the economy is... we are in Argentina, Europe prices, chinese sweatshop salaries and so much unenployment you can't even get a bad job).

I fear I will never be able to get a good job and put my part to give us the life we once dreamed.

This might have been mostly venting my feelings towards strangers.

I'm a great guy with her again... but I wish I could feel some peace. I'll try not to screw things up. But I feel she deserves better than a no future deadbeat, no matter how cute and awesome he is.

Can anyone just tell me things are gonna be better? Tell me some struggling relationships that made it? I would give her the night sky with all the stars, but I can't give her a damn chocolate right now.