I don't quite "believe," but I know this:

There's absolutely no way that I can be satisfied living a life that I despise. I've been so afraid to dissapoint other people, so afraid to do anything "wrong," and in all of this, I've lost all my joy.

My life isn't even bad, but it doesn't feel like mine. My life has been the life that other people asked of me. Anyone could have lived my life, and it would have been no different. I feel like it was all a complete waste.

I don't "believe" in manifestation, because it seems impossible. But I also know that I can no longer live the life I've been living. And I think of the quote, which was something along the lines of, "the only way you could ever sin is by not doing exactly what you want in any given moment," and I feel as if it is entirely true.

And I want to live. I want to believe entirely in the dream, entirely in my desire, and do entirely what I want. And I feel that if I live any other way, I will look back and feel only dissappointment.

If I want to be happy, it feels as if this is truly the only way.

I can no longer bear to live a life of obedience.