Navigating grief with my new husband (29F & 29M)

This one might be a long one - I'll do my best to nutshell it in a TLDR at the bottom. I tried to post in relationship advice, but it was a bit too complex for their rules (understandably so).

Reddit, I have many questions. I'm working through navigating a relationship with myself (29F) and my new husband (29M) and could desperately use some input.

My partner and I met in May of last year (2025). While I wont disclose details out of respect for my husband, what I will say is that we met only 4-5 months following the death by suicide of his prior long term partner (4-5 Years). We married quickly as a result of his career decision to join the army (which in my opinion, is motivated by his grief, but that may be neither here nor there.)

I expressed that I thought it was too soon from the very beginning - but he responded with that he realized he would have to move on eventually no matter what, and with me, he was given a "winning hand". As a result, he was forced the choice to start moving on now or later. He says he likewise realized that choosing to move on later may result in us losing the chance to see what was possible between us now.

For context, we met here (on reddit) trying to bring mutual hobbies together, no romance intended. Once we met, about a month into meeting, he casually proposed a contractual marriage to me. When we met, we had compatible goals where I wanted to be able to travel, and he planned on joining the military (Yeah, I know.) He proposed the marriage casually, and I told him I'd be flexible to dating him until his Basic Training deadline and seeing how it went. As may be implied, we fell in love during that dating period and ended up getting married.

I myself ended a 10 year relationship a few years ago following my partners gender transition, and while I would NEVER begin to compare my experience to his, I do understand what it means to have loved and lost, and I do understand sudden grief throughout my life that drastically changed my direction and goals (separate from my ex-partner). These (tangential) shared takeaways is what originally brought us together.

Now, however, we find ourselves in a tough spot. My partner decided to join the army to do a particularly dangerous job prior to us meeting, directly after the death of his prior partner. While he's pursued our relationship with sincerity, this goal has remained. As someone who wants to be a supportive partner, friend, and spouse, I don't believe it's my place to discourage these goals regardless of whether or not I think it's grief motivated or not. This has to be his decision to reach on his own, and I respect that. However, I find myself unsure of how to be both a supportive wife regarding his goals and what he feels like he needs. It's clear to me (through his words AND his actions) that he's ignoring the grief and mourning of his last partner through the route of the army and our marriage, and as someone who genuinely cares about him, I feel like this is counterproductive.

This is territory that is obviously unchartered for me. I want to support his decisions and the route he feels is right for healing, and who am I to say whether it's right or wrong? At the same time, the logical part of me knows this isn't helpful to him in the long-term. I want to run from the discomfort of his grief just like he does, but I don't feel like it's the productive choice. I'm unsure of how to help him on this journey without pressuring him, and I also recognize that I've dropped the ball at times with his attempts to be vulnerable with me in his grief by feeling insecure or projecting my worries about the pace of his grieving. Things like impressing there being a time and a place to express when his grief shows its face (such as, hold the conversation of you being triggered until after our date is done). I understand this is not helpful nor supportive, and I take accountability for that. While it may be a result of him pursuing the demands of a relationship too fast, my job as his partner is to help mitigate this.

While I support him sharing his feelings and grief so far as it relates to his partner, I've struggled with context in the way of time or place to share it. I understand implicitly that grief doesn't adhere to context, but in these uncharted territories, I'm unsure sometimes how to reconcile the insecurity I feel knowing he's not healed and is (likely unintentionally) comparing his lost love to me.

The most recent and best example I have of needing guidance is right now is while he's in basic training. As some may already know, our communication is extremely limited. Aside from a single 10-20 minute phone call once a week, we're limited to snail mail letters.

This week marks the one year anniversary since the death of his partner, and arguably the worst day of his life. On one hand, I feel compelled to let him know I'm understanding of the impact of the date, and while I can't share his suffering and I'm far away, I'm standing with him in solidarity as much as I can. I'm here, I love him, and I want him to know he's not alone. By the same token, he's in basic training, and his days are often fully loaded with activities. I want to let him know I haven't forgotten the significance of the day, but I also don't want to bring it to the forefront of his mind if his day was so busy with training that he was able to conveniently forget / ignore it - or at least, focus on other things more.

There are many situations where I struggle to know the right choice, but this is the most prominent and available circumstance I have available to me. I'd be grateful for any advice / input from anyone who's been in similar circumstances, on either the giving or receiving end. I love him very much, and regardless of how hard it is, I want to handle this as right as I can. I'd appreciate input for this situation in particular, but also for the more general circumstance of our marriage, if anyone has it.

TLDR; Partner dealt with the death of his prior partner less than a year ago by joining the army and getting married to me - how do I ensure I give him the support he needs as not only a friend / human, but also as a spouse?