To the very seams of my heart.

Wanted to get out to the cinema today as there's a film I'm desperately looking forward to seeing. As I'd pulled a muscle in my neck and I'm on rest from the gym, I decided that today would be a good day to get a ticket and head over to cinema in the next town over.

I rarely ever do anything like this on my own and don't think I have done for the last three years, just before my relationship came to an end. But as I've looked forward to seeing the film, I decided it'd be a good to take myself out. I'd been feeling good in myself and felt like this should be my reward for a positive start to the year.

I thought it might be nice to invite someone along. However, on thought of that idea, I realised the one person I'd usually invite was was at work, so decided I'd still go on my own.

I pre booked my ticket and walked to the station and got a train over to the next town. The journey takes around ten minutes. Within that time, I'd watched the outside world pass me by from the window, which was streaked with rain. My heart had grown a little heavier by the time I got off the train at the realization that I had only one person to invite.

I arrived at the cinema, pretty wet from the rain and went to collect my ticket and get some popcorn before going in. Started feeling a bit silly being alone, but reassured myself it was okay. Bumped into a couple I knew well from a few years back as I made my way to the screen. We exchanged the usual formalities and chatted briefly. They asked who I'd come with, to which I'd awkwardly replied "on my own today".........I think out of the three of us in that conversation, i heard what I had just said and felt like I'd taken an arrow in my heart. They were kind enough to humour my excuse of "this being the only time I had free". I quickly made an end to the conversation and hurriedly found my screen feeling like my heart had swollen up and that my voice had turned to stone.

I found my row, found my seat and sank into it asif I was going to seap through the bottom of it onto the floor. I sat low down, trying to stop the onslaught of tears that began rolling down my face in the darkning room and couldn't help but miss my identity and old life and pain I was hit with.

After around five minutes, popcorn untouched, I gathered my soggy coat and made my way back to the station and waited for a train home feeling more dizzy with grief and more undeserving than I ever have.

I hope nobody else ever has to feel like that.