[The True Confessions of a Nine-Tailed Fox] - Chapter 232 - The Most Awesome Loophole
Blurb: After Piri the nine-tailed fox follows an order from Heaven to destroy a dynasty, she finds herself on trial in Heaven for that very act. Executed by the gods for the “crime,” she is cast into the cycle of reincarnation, starting at the very bottom – as a worm. While she slowly accumulates positive karma and earns reincarnation as higher life forms, she also has to navigate inflexible clerks, bureaucratic corruption, and the whims of the gods themselves. Will Piri ever reincarnate as a fox again? And once she does, will she be content to stay one?
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Chapter 232: The Most Awesome Loophole
Nope, I told Flicker. I am and have ever been myself. Now what’s this about a loophole?
Dimly, I was aware of Glitter’s mouth turning down and White Night’s forehead puckering into a scowl. Aurelia passed a hand over her eyes, but her lips quirked in a way that suggested she was…amused?
“Law J.353 states that in addition to the Rights and Powers both enumerated and implied above, the Jade Ruler of Heaven may take whichever Form best suits the Needs of the Time, for however long this Need is judged to exist.” Flicker actually recited that whole section of the Heavenly Code from memory without fumbling a single word.
White Night, however, was not impressed. “That,” he said in a tight voice, “was intended to cover extraordinary situations where it might be necessary for the Jade Emperor to transform into a different form to deal with a crisis. It was not meant to be abused for personal vanity.”
It is NOT personal vanity. I am a FOX –
“Are you? You just stated to Clerk Flicker that you are, and have ever been, yourself. Allow me to point out that you have spent only 0.194% of the past five hundred sixteen years in the form of a fox. Would you say that you haven’t ‘been yourself’ for all that time?”
Of course I haven’t –
But I had to break off there. White Night did have a point. In some sense, I was me regardless of what I happened to reincarnate as, be it a catfish, turtle, sparrow, or rat. To be honest, I didn’t even need a physical body to know who I was, as I’d just proven to the Goddess of Life. So long as I had my mind and my memories, I was myself. But being a fox just felt the most right.
To my absolute shock, Aurelia came to my aid. “Let us look at this a different way. Accountant White Night, how would you feel if your mind were suddenly inserted into a, say, baby bunny?”
His scowl dug furrows so deep that I worried they might be permanent. “Then I would be a baby bunny that is capable of performing complex calculations and mathematical modeling.”
“That is true,” she agreed with absolute seriousness, even as I pulsed to hold in my giggles. “But wouldn’t you miss your star sprite form? Wouldn’t you feel as if something is not quite right? Wouldn’t there be inconveniences to having the form of a bunny that would distract you? Such as not having hands to use an abacus?”
“I have no need for a physical abacus,” the Accountant informed her, but before Aurelia needed to argue further, he raised a hand. “However, I take your point. The distraction of not being a fox would impede Flos Piri’s ability to perform her job to her utmost ability. That would be non-ideal for a Jade Empress.” With a stiff bow, he stepped back.
“Wait,” said Floridiana. “Is this actually happening? Are we really making her the Jade Empress?”
Glitter pursed her lips. “Was that not the point of this exercise?”
“I…I know we said we were taking over Heaven, but I didn’t think…. It doesn’t feel real….”
I’d never seen the mage so flummoxed. What did you think was the end result of taking over Heaven? I asked, genuinely curious.
With all eyes on her, Floridiana flushed. She actually flushed. “I didn’t think that far, okay? I was more focused on our immediate goals. Getting into Heaven, then rescuing Flicker, then rescuing you.”
Den put a comforting arm around her shoulders. “It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it? A coup in Heaven, of all things.” He shook his head in wonder, perhaps imagining one of his rice paddy snake friends seizing control of the Caltrop Pond Water Court in his absence. (Honestly, he spent so little time there that it might be for the best.)
“As a matter of fact,” Aurelia told him, “palace coups are fairly common. You’ll find them all through history, both when dynasties change and when power changes hands within a dynasty.”
Floridiana, who as a former schoolteacher and avid reader of Serican history should have internalized the inherent bloodiness of political power, shook her head. “But that’s on Earth. This is Heaven. Shouldn’t Heaven be more…permanent?”
“Nothing is permanent,” Glitter proclaimed. “And may I remind you that power has not, in fact, formally changed hands yet? The Jade Emperor still sits on His throne.”
Right. Even though we’d taken over the bureaucratic and security apparatus of Heaven, we hadn’t actually deposed the Jade Emperor yet.
Do we have all the seals of all the different Bureaux? I floated higher so I could see everyone clearly.
Aurelia touched her necklace with the seals of the Sky and Academia. Floridiana patted the seal of Wealth on her belt. Clerks, Accountants, and imps displayed the seals they had simply strolled into the gods’ offices to fetch.
Oh! Did anyone get the Goddess of Life’s seal?
An imp janitor brandished the seal of Human Lives. Together, those of us in this hallway represented the combined authority of all but the Ministry of Fate. Good enough. We could always deal with Lady Fate once I wielded the authority of the Jade Empress.
Taking Flicker’s withered hand, Glitter pressed the five seals of Reincarnation into his palm. “Here, boy. You’ll need these.”
“But Superintendent, you’ve worked here longer than I’ve existed.”
“Of course of I have. I was here when they started this place. I am the Superintendent. Same way she’s a fox.” She pointed a gnarled finger at me. “Now go do this Bureau proud, Director.”
Flicker closed his fingers around the seals and bowed deeply. “Thank you, Superintendent.”
She flapped her hands at him. “Go, go. A good Director finishes what he starts.”
Aww, look at that. Flicker: the Director of Reincarnation. Who could ever have imagined it? And yet, who better to direct the Bureau of Reincarnation than someone with encyclopedic knowledge of all the laws, rules, and regulations of Heaven, combined with the compassion to bend them when necessary?
Congratulations, Flicker! Now – on to the Hall of Purple Mists!
An imp punched her fist in the air. “To the Hall of Purple Mists!”
More picked up the cry. “To the Hall of Purple Mists! To the Hall of Purple Mists!”
Follow us!
I zipped in loops around Floridiana, Den, Dusty, Aurelia, and Flicker, shooing them out the door. As we led the silent clerks, impassive Accountants, grinning imps, and stone-faced guards towards the seat of Heavenly power, I couldn’t help but compare this crowd to the mob in South Serica. That one had traipsed along singing praises of the Kitchen God. I didn’t think I could get this lot to sing if I wanted to.
But that was all right. I didn’t need my supporters to entertain me. I only needed them to stand by me and behind me when I needed them most.
///
The Hall of Purple Mists. The throne room in the Palace of the North Star where the Jade Emperor held court. Also the spot where my trial had been held before an assembly of angry gods, where Aurelia had been the only one to show any discomfort at the way Lady Fate scapegoated me for Cassius’ crimes.
That day, the hall had been packed to overflowing with all the gods and goddesses in Heaven, with star sprite clerks peering through the doorway and possibly more than a few imps lurking in the shadows. Now the great doors shut and guarded by the two fierce-looking Door Gods, who bowed when we flashed our seals and let us pass into the empty room.
No, not quite empty. The Jade Emperor sat on his throne, as majestic as when he presided over my trial. His gaze was fixed somewhere on the middle distance, over our heads. He gave no sign that he noticed our existence even as Aurelia and I led the procession straight towards the dais. The star sprites, imps, and guards fanned out through the hall. There were no sounds but the shuffle of shoes, the rustle of robes, the occasional clonk of a sword sheath banging into a column, and the ensuing passive-aggressive sigh from the nearest clerk.
Ha. I’d forgotten how well the clerks did passive-aggressiveness.
My people weren’t nearly as glamorous or individually powerful as the gods who normally claimed this space, but they were mine. And they were here, while the glamorous and individually powerful gods were squabbling over offerings on Earth or cowering in their palaces and praying to the Jade Emperor we were about to depose that somebody else would deal with the problem. Preferably a rival who got themselves maimed in the process.
And this was why we won.
At the foot of the dais, I halted. Aurelia stopped next to me, and Floridiana, Den, Dusty, Flicker, and the star sprites and imps who held seals arrayed themselves at our backs.
I didn’t raise my voice, but the acoustics of the Hall of Purple Mists were such that my words carried to all ears. It would be easier for everyone if you came down yourself.
I heard the familiar squelch of seal paste behind me: Floridiana preparing to defend me in case the Jade Emperor smote me. It was sweet of her, but I wasn’t worried. If he were capable of doing anything, he would never have let us get this close.
It was all a sham, wasn’t it? You were never the most powerful among the gods. You took the throne on their sufferance, because they needed someone to fill the seat while the Directors and Assistant Directors actually ran Heaven. You were never more than a figurehead. A puppet.
One eyelid twitched, but that was the only sign the Jade Emperor gave that he knew we were here. In the silence, I heard Aurelia’s lips part, and I let her have the stage.
“Heavenly Lord, I’ve seen the records in the Bureau of the Sky. You were the Star of Eternal Justice before you were elevated to the throne. On Earth, you were an emperor from the First Dynasty renowned for your wisdom and fairness. You were deified after your death as a reward.”
The Jade Emperor’s jaw clenched. Shame at how far he had fallen from his days as a truly good ruler? Embarrassment at the reminder of his lowly origins as a deified human?
Probably the latter.
“No one blames you for the job you have done as Jade Emperor,” Aurelia continued, and it was a good thing I was a featureless ball of red light, because if I’d had a jaw, it would have dropped to the floor and shattered our united front. “Speaking from personal experience, it is not easy to rule over a divided court, much less one as full of malice and spite as the Heavenly Court.”
The sinews of the Jade Emperor’s hands sank into the backs of his hands. I hadn’t realized until then how tightly he had been gripping the armrests.
“You have done the best you could in an impossible situation, Heavenly Lord. It is time to rest now. Time to let the burden pass to others.”
Aurelia shot me a glance out of the corners of her eyes, and I mentally shook myself. I could pretend. I was good at pretending.
Yes. No one blames you for finding yourself unable to rule with the same effectiveness as you did on Earth. For being thwarted by the gods at every turn.
I had no idea if that were true or not, but it sounded plausible. Anyway, the narrative was what mattered – crafting a narrative that permitted him to get off the throne and walk down the dais of his own accord. Dragging him out of the Hall of Purple Mists by his hair would have been much more satisfying, but it would have destroyed the image we were trying to project. (Also, I didn’t have hands or paws or even jaws with which to drag him.)
It is time to rest now, Star of Eternal Justice. Time to pass the burden to others and to start over fresh.
At last, the Jade Emperor’s head moved. His chin tipped down until his eyes focused on me. “To start over fresh…. In other words, to reenter the cycle of reincarnation?”
Honestly, we hadn’t gotten so far as deciding on punishments for individual gods, but his suggestion seemed poetic.
Would you not agree that, under the circumstances, it seems fitting?
Between us hung our last meeting, when he had sentenced me to execution by Burning Pillar, my own invention, because at Cassius’ prompting, he had deemed the punishment “fitting.” I’d then reincarnated as an earthworm. Was the Jade Emperor wondering whether I would be so generous as to reincarnate him as a creature that had some hope of earning positive karma?
A throat cleared behind us, to Aurelia’s right. Flicker said hoarsely, “We, ah, do intend to revamp the criteria for earning positive karma so it will reflect the general good a soul does in the world, and not just the benefit it brings to humans. In case that helps.”
What?! He was? But what about my plan for Cassius? If Flicker reformed the karma system, how was I going to guarantee that Cassius stayed a tapeworm for the rest of eternity???
Before I could howl with despair, the Jade Emperor murmured, “Lady Fate, why have you forsaken me?” Then he lifted his chin again and proclaimed, “You are right. We have borne the weight of this crown for countless millennia. It is time to let this burden pass to those who are younger and less weary.”
As if that were the real reason he was abdicating!
Oh wait, this was the ideal result. This was what we wanted. To be seen as gracious victors who allowed even our nemeses to save some veneer of face.
With a slow, dignified tread, the Jade Emperor descended the steps to stand before us. He raised his hands and a seal, solid gold and a foot square with an intricate dragon as its knob, appeared on his palms. “This now belongs to whoever wants it.”
And he held out the seal, somewhere between Aurelia and me.
///
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Posted Jan 16, 2026, 3:40 PM UTC