Amanda's monologue

God, young love... That's what I see. Man, you kids don't know how good you have it. Ever since I got those cacti ripped from my body, I finally remember my first love. Riiiiiver gold Back then I was traveling all over the country, herding cattle until the cows came home. Up north I was churning butter for a nunnery. Those flirts... Lay off me sisters!

And for a brief time I was a child's toy who'd only come to life whenever my owners would leave. It was a real Toy Story... 2. Oooooh, not Woody. Iiiii'm not Woody. That's when I met my soul mate. Wide hips, sharp jaw, tiny arms, was a dinosaur and had a hell of a wagon; oh my goodness. And not just a little red wagon either. Oh, you could hike the Oregon Trail in this thing. I'm talking about his ass! His plumpy, dumpy, dumpy little ass. (reaches for his pocket) Thaaaat's not a gun. I don't oooown a gun, gun, gun, gun gun I found my way into his heart. Look at him.

His name is Rex. Yeah, people said we would never work. Yeah, he's made of entirely hard plastic. But his backside... Gaaah. Soft as a Casper mattress. Put me to sleep, mama!

Nobody hits a cowboy unless it's here! Iiiii'm talking about my balls

Anyway, we would watch the sun set and he would put his tiiiny little arms arooound me. But they wouldn't reach 'cause they were tiny. But I felt them inside my heart. And sometimes he'd sit on my lap and I'd lose feeling in my lower half on account of his... of his ass. His plumpy, dumpy, dumpy, dumpy, dumpy ass. Moooon Riveeer. The sky's alight with biiirds It was... It was wild.

His plumpy, dumpy, dumpy ass was a... Masterpiece. But it wasn't just a sexual thing for me, buddy. I mean, you wouldn't spank the Sixtine Chapel would you? Oooooh noo, noo, noo. That is something to be a part of. Hoorses riide through the Wild West It was holy, it was holy.

But you know what? I started to uh... I started to believe what they were saying about me and him. You know I was... I was married to life on the open road and he was... A toy dinosaur. And, uh, you know I lost my love 'cause I never... I never got to tell how I really felt about him, you know? And actually uh... I live with that pain every day of my life. It leaves a hole in my heart. Bigger than any cacti could you know?

Don't do that. Don't let this happen to you. I want you to fight. I want you to fight. I want you to tell him how you feel. I want you to tell her how you feel. I want you to talk to each other! I want you to fight for each other. Don't be like me kids. Seize the day. Gaaawd damn! Mmm, bababa

Anyways, I got a big, big dunker coming up. And I gotta let it loose. Those meds you guys gave me have been blowing right through me. Really hard to get out. They're blowin' and then their stayin'. It means I'm constipated and I'm tearing and tearing is hard.

Do what I asked. You're welcome. I'll be in here. Mmm, aaaah. Looove was a dinosaur