Is this the end?

Boyfriend (33TM) and I (29NB) are having (or had?) one of (what I thought) one of the greatest relationships I ever head of. We both work in mental health. So, when we did rarely have disagreements in the year and half we’ve been together, they were very clinical, respectful, both worked very hard to make each other heard, and always found a solution or compromise.

He makes a significant amount of more money than me. Like 3 times more than me and continues to find better paying jobs now that he is a graduate. I barely passed high school and I’m impacted by my autism. I wasn’t able to graduate college and finally found a full time job at 24 and got my license at 25. I do have delays and emotional regulation issues.

When we became friends, because of a significant amount of trauma, I didn’t date men. However over the 1-2 years of friendship we built, I felt safe and we began dating. Things were so incredible for the first year but then we went on a family vacation. There was a huge argument that happened with my family and I went I suggested we would be moving further away. Things have smoothed over with my family, but him and I not only never financially recovered from the vacation entirely (I’ve been paying my mom off for tickets she bought us) but maybe emotionally.

On vacation, we had our first real disagreement and I felt so overwhelmed I left the parked car to sit on the sidewalk. When I had my space and came back into the car to drive he asked very dramatically if “I’m okay to drive” while looking at me in shock. I felt offended and like I was being made out to be crazy. So I said “No, I don’t.” And left the car and began to walk. The keys were always in the car and would beep if you left the car with the keys. I didn’t have the keys I left the car so it didn’t beep but when I took more space again to cool off, and came back he accused me of leaving him stranded. We eventually came back from this and didn’t have anymore issues until months later.

As US politics begin to become more concerning, he has continued to discuss leaving the country for safety. I understand his concern, but I don’t think it would solve our issues to become immigrants in another country. However, I know that he is concerned and I love him and want to support him. So I try to keep an open mind to migrating. But lately, I’m afraid. I’m 29 and don’t have much to contribute in society’s standards. I’m autistic to the point where people can notice and have Bertolotti's syndrome, diabetes, and chronic mental health issues where holding down employment is hard, my job site being super laid back and ironically being residential care. According to society, I do not have much to contribute as an immigrant to another country. However, he does with his education and employment background. I feel afraid to leave because I feel like as much as it is his dream to leave America, I don’t think we would be able to establish ourselves again in enough time to enjoy and accomplish my goals such as getting married and having children. I dream about becoming a nurse and have special interest in medication. If I had to start over again in a whole other country, I worry about ever being able to accomplish these as well as being far away from my family.

Considering my disabilities, I need reminders and case management. He doesn’t feel comfortable with a PCA coming to help me, but also doesn’t help me with reminders or wake me if he here’s my alarm going off. I recently had to take leave from work for re-injuring my back during our move (3 herniated discs during a previous work injury while restraining a client jumping out of a window). He said he was jealous I got to take leave at one point and would be upset sometimes if I didn’t do anything during the day.

Recently, I lost my wallet inside the house. I had a moment where I shut down and cried after an hour of looking for it. I knew it was in the house, only to find out it fell out of my purse in the closet when it got tipped over somehow. While I was sitting there trying to regulate, he told me that it was irresponsible that I did that and started listing how all the things I had to do get a new ID and debt cards. He pointed out that he felt like I was immature for not having concern for our joint debt card. I apologized and said while crying “I guess I’m not good enough.” He left the room. I regulated and it was tense for the rest of the night. The next day, he said that he didn’t appreciate my response and I told him going forward I’d would talk to my therapist and come up with ways to avoid those situations. He said he wanted to have a “bigger talk” about continuing to have a joint checking in the future. I wish he would’ve just told me what this meant, but I understand wanting to have cool down time.

So, today I overslept and miss our opportunity to talk. He was on his way out to go to a DND session and couldn’t find our papers for it. I helped him look, not upset or anything and eventually he found it. But it made me upset that even though the objects were vastly different, both are replaceable and was wishing he could have shared the same compassion for me.

He called me on his way to the game and he could tell I was upset. He asked what was wrong and I stated that maybe it wasn’t the best time to talk about it. He insisted and so I shared. Before I could finish he cut me off when I mentioned the debt card and said “I wish you didn’t take away the opportunity to talk about the debt card in person. That’s not fair to me.” I tried to explain that wasn’t what I wanted to say, but a precursor on to what I wanted to say. But said that I wanted to drop it for now because it didn’t seem like a productive conversation and he said with an irritated tone that I might as well finish and so I did and said that I had nothing else to say. That I would be willing to hear him out for whatever he had to say but I didn’t want to argue. We ended the call and I just feel very heartbroken.

He was the first man I’ve trusted in years. This is the only man I could pitch being safe with and starting a family. I helped him, bathed him, held him as he recovered from top surgery and he tells me all the time that his scars are a symbol of how well I took care of him. Whenever he’s sick I call out and take care of him. I was there holding him as his dad died and he was sobbing. I don’t want him to have to think back to those memories and feel more pain because I’m not there anymore. I don’t want this to end and not have a family with him. I’m so scared of having to start over again. I don’t want to break a lease and ruin our rental history. I would be fucked if I ruined my rental history at this point. I pay for both our health insurance and I don’t want him to be without his medication and appointments. But I don’t want to keep feeling like I’m an awful person no matter how many times I go to my therapist for more tools and more tools to make this relationship work. I don’t know what to do.