Still grieving the childhood I didnt get to have

I learned I was trans when I was 15, tried coming out to my mom and she effectively shoved me back in the closet by telling me "people don't act kindly to that around here" no words of support, nothing. So I hid who I was and just felt shame about who I was. I never got to school dances as myself, wear a dress, explore who I was, tell people who I really was. Date as me, be treated like how i wanted to be. I never got to be a reckless and stupid teenager, make dumb decisions and learn who i am, instead of years later. I never got to be me for 7 years. I felt like an outcast and I always wished I was someone else, I always compared myself to other girls who where in my school, i felt envious that they got to be pretty and themselves while i got more and more masculine. It was horrible. I lost friendships because of how depressed i got from hiding myself. That comparing hasn't gone away, its just gotten worse and I still feel constantly ashamed of who I am. I still feel like im stuck in someone else's body, the body I'm in just isn't mine. It's never felt like it, even with 3 years of hrt