Yesterday I Had a Panic Attack

I seem to be experiencing a series of unfortunate events that are leading to me being pushed out of this religion. 4 months ago someone that I used to be friends with made accusations that we committed sexual immorality together which led to me being interrogated by two elders in my congregation various times. I even had to meet with the accuser and two of their elders along with two of my elders. After this 6 person event I was again interrogated by the two elders in my congregation because it seems they still did not believe my denial of the accuser’s claims. The accuser had no evidence so it seems the two elders were trying to catch me in a lie. They didn’t. Since I have “privileges” in the congregation the elders said that Bethel office said that even though there is no evidence of any wrong doing, because an accusation exists, the elder body would STILL need to review my qualifications. They cited Titus 1:7 and said that “overseers must be free from accusation.” I tried to point out the issue that anyone could just make up anything they wanted about me and even if I denied it and they didn’t have any evidence my qualifications would still get called into question. The elders didn’t see the issue and ultimately the body decided I still qualify. Overall this situation was dragged out over the course of 1.5 months. It was excruciating and the most stressful situation of my entire life. This all happened about 2 months ago and I thought that would be the end of it.

Fast forward to yesterday and I receive this message from one of the elders that initially conducted the “investigation”: “Hello my brother. Hope your day went well. By any chance would you have a chance to get together tomorrow?”

I asked why and he responded: “The other elder and I would like to meet up with you because we received some information from bethel office that they wanted us to share with you.”

I responded: “I have deep respect for you but I’m kind of confused as to how Bethel office would have new information to share with me. This has been one of the most stressful events of my life. Are you implying there are new accusations that have been made? Because I am not willing to entertain anymore accusations or use any more of my time on this. If you would like to email me the information I would be willing to review it.”

He mentioned there are no new accusations and he is “sorry” I’m going through this but the instructions are that two elders get together to speak with me. I told him I wouldnt be available and he offered to meet over zoom. I responded: “I don’t want to spend any more of my time on this issue. If you want to send me information in writing I wouldnt mind it. I could review it if and when I’m feeling up to it.”

After this he stopped responding. This led to my panic attack and my friend having to call my therapist to calm me down. I feel enfantalized to be pressured and made to feel that I have no choice in meeting with them, even though i already met with them 5 times and I was already tried for this accusation by the elder body. I don’t want to be dragged into another meeting with them where I am interrogated. I feel like bethel office is not satisfied with the outcome of my trial and is still trying to find some fault.

I feel like this brought up in me genuine fear and made me feel like I was 5 years old again and not in control of anything in my life. I have plans of leaving the religion soon enough but am in fear that the elder body or bethel office will find some reason to DF me before I am ready to leave. Just want genuine feedback because I am feeling very anxious right now.