I’m struggling with my own actions in it

Tonight I went out with someone who I had been talking to for a minute. It was random as we had something planned later this upcoming week.

We decided movies but never got there. Skipping the entire plot of getting to the place we were. It was a hidden away area in a parking lot, that I pointed out, which I kinda regret moving us from a space that cars would pass by occasionally to none.

What bothers my own self about this is how, while I felt like I did put signs out saying I didn’t want what he did at the time (ex. He moved my hand to his erect crotch. I moved it away in what I felt was quick enough time)

But then in that last example he did it again after, and I didn’t move it that time. So I get that impression it could have given.

He asked if I minded, so I started touching him more there. I felt weird. Of course I could have said no, but felt obligated?? I didn’t want to let him down? Especially since he moved it back.

He fully exposed himself after a bit and I ended up having to also help him orally.

I feel weird because apart of me feels like I enjoyed it? I struggle with enjoying cnc as a kink, and I think my brain was going into that mode? Like me justifying it as “this is in your fantasy right?”

Ultimately my thoughts were running 1000 miles a minute in the moment.

I didn’t want it to lead to that style of interaction with him. Yes kissing. Yes cuddling. No I don’t want to feel or suck your penis yet.

I struggle with shame, in how I perceive my current emotions over this.

I’m still supposed to be seeing him later in the week, and I’m confused how to move forward. In a sad way, I do want to see him again.

Despite this interaction, he’s been one of the only people as of late who I can flow conversation with nicely. I struggle heavy with social anxiety so this already is an insane connect for myself.

I know if I do choose to, I need to accept that maybe I did enjoy it, as much as I also reply the scene in my head to reprocess.