Day 4- trying to fall back in love with myself

I had a day for on January 4th, and relapsed, and recommitted four days ago. And it hasn’t been easy. My two best friends are the reason I addressed my addiction because I was very irresponsible one night and they called me out. Now they won’t talk to me. I came clean and said I was an addict, and profusely apologized. although I will always remember them as the ones who did the hard thing and called me out, even though in my drunk state I reacted poorly, it still hurts to think I may have lost them forever.

I love film, I love writing, I love acting, I love fashion, I love art, I love stand up comedy, and I love singing. I’m a very creative and talented person. I think I have so much to offer, and this past decade I have been so insecure, and haven’t allowed myself to fully shine and be the best version of myself. Truthfully I felt like my friends didn’t want me to be the best version of myself. I was always the butt of the joke, always lectured, always called out. And it made me nervous and shameful.

But right now I’m trying to hard to lean into being sober and really radically believing in myself, but it’s hard when the two people I love the most see me as toxic, and evil and had to put up boundaries with me. I want to be loved unconditionally, I want to be supported, I want to championed, and I want my friends to be excited to be friends with me. But that doesn’t feel that way. I’ve been called pretentious, I don’t prioritize my friends (even though, they were 100% the main priority) and over prioritize my craft.

I’ve been told I’m bad with money, I’m chaotic, I’m too emotional, I’m controversial, I’m mean. and while I was being told I’m these things, I drank to numb the pain I felt of not being able to fully be myself. Why is this so complicated? I miss my friends, I know I needed to be called out, but it feels like they just want to keep me under their thumb, and hate on me because I want to do art, and I am good at art. It’s just so confusing.

I started to radically accept myself after I started going to therapy, and they said I’d changed. And they didn’t like it. I was no longer masking, I was giving my full opinion on things, I was saying no to them and yes to myself, and I just got “you seem worse” and I was like “… but now I believe in myself. How is this worse?” I don’t think they understand the pain I felt trying to please them and keep up with the jones’. Idk these are my sober thoughts I try to not think about and just numb to death.

Are we going to be friends again? Have I just fucked everything up?