The color of my shower triggers intrusive thoughts

It took me a long time to figure this out, why I suddenly hated showering so much, when even in my deepest depressions throughout my life I still bathed.

It fucking sucks. I’ve modified my shower as much as I can, but the moment I get a second of a blank mind (no gaming, no reading, no cleaning and trying to keep track of wtf I am doing), the moment I’m left with my own thoughts they come flooding in.

The actual shower event from my childhood, it’s not that bad. I mean it was kinda fucked and humiliating, but not that bad, compared to the other stuff that comes knocking. The problem is my shower now is the same color as that shower back then. So I think about that event. Then my SA from moms bf. Then my mom’s abusive relationship. And the drugs. And their gross fucking age gap (her 42 him 26).

And then it’s all the unanswered questions, i have SO many questions. I’ll never have answers. I end up saying the alphabet over and over as fast as I can because it’s the only way to make it stop. Sometimes I do some visualizations if I remember but they don’t bring much relief. How the fuck do people remember to ground themselves? My brain never remembers all the tips and tricks in the moment.

It’s easier to force myself into the shower knowing now what the problem is, but it really sucks ass and it’s still not back to normal. I hate being alone with my thoughts. I eat a ton of gummies before bed to make myself pass out. I drink too much as well but I am doing dry January rn. I might have a drink tonight though.