Signs i was trans (in chronological order) that i overlooked

Wanting to see if people had similar experiences, and there are some i didn’t see mentionned anywhere else as signs, so there you go, enjoy !you

- My native language is gendered, so i used the male version of adjectives/words when referring to myself until my parents "corrected my grammar"

- being jealous of my brother because he was a boy and thinking, word for word : "so he had a dick, damn that’s so much more convenient for so many things"

- wanting to wear boy underwear because "maybe i will grow a dick if i wear it"

- reading a book where a girl wants to be a boy and goes by a guy name and her parents are mad about it and thinking "this book is my favourite, this character is just like me" (my mom banned that book and the series it belonged too because "girls can’t be boys, this book is evil)

- calling myself a boy name and playing as a boy whenever i played outside (also never playing with dolls because "being a mom to baby dolls was not for me")

- being shirtless because "that’s what boys do, but girls can’t do that" whenever my mom couldn’t see me

- crying alone when i learned what girl puberty would do to my body (i was 8) then making a plan of cutting off the boobs when they grew (i did not know that top surgery was)

- furthering the plan of cutting the boobs by planning to fake having a deep voice, cutting my hair short, and growing facial hair somehow "when i become an adult"

- trying to make my voice as deep as i could when talking

Then puberty hit, and it was the worst time of my life. i was forced to see my body become alien to me, and a few things happened that were further signs even though I was legit brainwashed into thinking what was happening was normal and my body was becoming better and suited for my role in society and life

- crying my brains out when i had my first period and my mom told me "finally ! you are a woman now !" and not knowing why (also a creepy thing to say to a 12 years old)

- thinking that not a single girl in the world was happy with being one, and that "we all lost the coin flip, it’s a shame"

- denying breast growth was happening, and then trying to flatten my chest as much as i could when i couldn’t deny anymore

- being suicidal whenever i had a period (i thought it was just because the pain was the worst thing ever)

- being mad that i cried so much because "oh women in the family cry a lot"

- having a blood test at 14, seeing in the result that my testosterone levels were 86 (normal female range is 13 to 55) and being unreasonably happy about it

- my mother told me that "women in the family have wide hips" and crying because i thought it was so ugly and i didn’t want to have that

- having another blood test a year later (at 15), seeing the T levels dropped to 33, my doctor saying it was good, and being silently sad about it

- hating my name so much, wanting to change it to something gender neutral (since i couldn’t be a boy, gender neutral was the best i could do)

anyways i ended up dissociating from myself and drowning in an insanely bad sleeping schedule, fighting with my parents and just throwing away my identity (it was easier to accept i was just a failed human being than think about how much i hated myself)

at 19, i started watching a lot of youtube while being depressed, and saw a lot of gym/fitness content.

So of course seeing good women’s physiques did nothing for me, while i idealised male physiques and wanted to be muscular, lean and good looking like them

- started going to the gym to look like the male influencers i saw (unrealistic but at least I went)

- parents tried to stop me from going because "you're gonna look like a man" and internally i was thinking that it was the goal, while arguing that "noooooooo it won’t do that unless steroids !"

- my first pushup made me so happy because my mom always said "oh there's not a single woman in the family who can do one, we don’t really have upper body strength"

- trying to understand and defend trans people despite my parents being insanely transphobic and telling me everything about them was demonic and wrong, yet not being able to understand trans women because "who the fuck would want to be a woman, are they dumb ?"

- in depth research of top surgery, the way it was done, the recovery, the results, and how to cover the scars

- having a convo with my mom and one of her friends, and openly saying "well when puberty hit, i hated my body, especially my boobs, but now i accepted my body" then laying in bed at 3am the next night, unable to sleep and thinking "why did that feel so wrong to say, what is wrong with me"

- doing extensive research of the effects of testosterone on women, and not understanding why having your period end and having body hair growth were considered "side effects"

- having a yelling match with my mom about changing my name, saying "i'm not trans i just hate my name"

then again laying in my bed at 3am, unable to sleep, and thinking "why did that feel so wrong to say, what is wrong with me"

anyways that’s all the very clear signs, if you guys had a similar experience let me know, and i hope all of you have a very nice day !