Deep thinking about body image and got lost in the sauce.

So like. I somewhat understand my body shape, but I do often wonder about what I actually look like. Body dysmorphia is hard to see through. I don’t think we as humans should put too much thought into certain things, because now I have no idea what I look like sometimes. I look different in my head and in reality all the time. I am never just one thing, that bothers me. Because it should never have mattered in the first place- placing value and positive association to my body is very dehumanizing. Then what am I? A shape of person. Someone’s preferred body type in others, hated by some, embraced by few. There shouldn’t have ever been a box like this. One that we put ourselves into and chase the idea and personification of being attractive to people. I wish that it wasn’t a part of my mind and that I could see myself for what I am. A person. They say that what you look like in the mirror is the closest to what others see in real life. But my mind and vision is all kinds of warped and inaccurate. Sometimes I can see through it. But like when I have gone a long time without looking in a mirror and/or seeing my body, it feels different. What I have noticed is that the more I focus on health and well being- I forget to care about the shape of my existence. It’s almost like a shock sometimes. I forget that I have muscles and that my mass is not so massive. When put next to different sizes of people, the perception of my size changes. When I see other people and the way they are shaped I don’t really care. So what evokes this striving for someone else’s idea of what my body should be like. It’s subjective. There are objective truths about attraction, but the actual state of attraction is subjective. So while everyone else is trying to fit into a box that is foreign to their own, I would like to remain myself. Though I hate the idea of attraction based on physical boundaries, there are people wanting me as I am. Hopefully for more than my physical persona. But that is crazy, a person can’t be summed up in just their appearance. Just like books, you never know what is going on inside the person. Do I hold a place on your shelf for vanity or for the universe in my soul? That is what it means to be superficial I guess. My body will pass, but my soul will not. Will I be loved at all? I know that I am already, but someone who doesn’t know my soul- will they want me for vanity or for my character? Could it not be both? The outside of my book matters because I have an important universe to represent. This is when my fashion choices become an expression of self, real art. So it is me, I am the art. A walking universe. That makes everyone else one too, theirs isn’t the same as mine, but it’s still a universe. Every time I fix my hair pieces, adjust my clothes, wipe something off my face, and/or put extra effort into my appearance- it is not vanity, but detail work on a walking masterpiece. I may not always be the standard of beauty, but I am always beautiful beyond what society is obsessed with at any given time. So the shape of my body doesn’t matter as long as my mind and body are healthy. The things that I imagine others thinking about me hold too much space and need to be obliterated. They serve no purpose in my purpose, I am here for people- but I don’t need their permission to exist in my natural state. I am here to help others and discover myself. But I have done the latter so now I get to enjoy myself. I get to enjoy the confidence of understanding who, what, when, where, how, and why I am the way I am without applying the influence of societal standards. Because why would I pretend to fit into any box ever, when I could live appreciatively in my natural state. I will always strive for better and work hard on the things that matter to me, but I will not sacrifice individuality to make it happen. Better is not always a collective being. In human terms, it should always be the embrace of our differences. We get to be different. Inclusivity is a part in that, we get to celebrate each other in our diversity- why not take it further by not having bias. Not placing one over the other and appreciating everyone and everything as they are and not as an image. The trees do not exist for me to place value on their leaves, they just exist. Whether conscious or not, I have to make an effort not to let my mind wander in the search of worth. Most things do not exist with the meaning of their existence being worthiness, they just exist. That’s it. I just exist, but that’s not it. Because I am human I get to explore things with experience and consciousness. That is cool, but there is so much room for error when the placement of my care and attention becomes one of value searching.