Started unrepressing memories during panic attacks

my life recently has just been a living death, nobody talks to me or checks up on me much less hug me, i can barely work up the effort to feed myself and just being in my own room makes me hyperventilate and start flashing back
everyday is basically a panic attack ive learnt to be quiet about
when it starts getting really bad ive started to unrepressed memories of childhood abuse. everybody i talked to said that only happens during moments when your mind feels safe but it only seems to happen at my worst, ill see the people on the street having fun and then suddenly recall this unrelated memory of my mother's drunk abuse i forgot ever happened. ill be longing to have my head caved in and then remember being bullied severely, rescued by a teacher and then treated even worse than her. then all that washes over me in a wave of sheer numbness followed by a burning hatred, how those people just walked away after, how happy everyone around me is, the envy of everybody who has friends they can talk to, a long forgotten bloodlust just suddenly reawaked, all these feelings piling up on top of me and yet i feel nothing, just dead inside, a husk with only a rotten nothingness inside.

why is this happening? why is my mind making me relive my past when my present is already so unbareable? do i deserve this? is this the universe telling me to end it already?