I hate feeling lonely when I’m surrounded by people.

This how more just turned into a vent about my bad day, so read or do not i just wanna get this all out.

I(AUDHD trans woman) just came back from a date/community meetup, I somehow feel lonelier than ever.

I had a video call with her last night, it went rlly great. Lots of nerdy info dumping and giggling and some flirting and stuff. I wanted to meet her in person(abt 2 hours away), and she said she was going to some sorta picnic, and I was just so excited I kinda just agreed.

We met up finally(also i got sexually harassed for the first time while i was waiting for her so that was weird), walked around chatting and going thru thrifting stuff. Eventually we walked to the picnic, started with maybe 5-7 people. That I was happy with, what I was expecting. But then people just kept coming and it ended up being like 30 people. Then some of them started flirting with her(shes rlly into the puppygirl thing), using the clicker and petting her and stuff. Then pressuring me/making fun of me for not flirting with her more even though this was our first date and I don’t know any of these people???

I didn’t want to speak up because I didn’t want to seem controlling or possessive to someone I just met. And I could tell most of the ones doing that were some long time friends with her. She’s just into exhibistionism stuff and aside from hugging snd kissing i really dont like doing stuff like that in public. at a party or just us id be into it, but this was just out in the open in a park in the city. Using clickers and putting leashes on eachother and petting eachother shit like that.

A group setting for a first date was just a bad idea in the first place i think. The first date is all about seeing if the two of you get together and learning abt eachother, and she spent most of the time talking to others i felt ignored.

I just felt so awful, I was so excited to meet these people and make some community. Some people were cool and I added them on social media, but a lot of them(including those some) just made me feel like such an outcast. I wasnt that type of transfem they wanted me to be, or the autistic they wanted me to be. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel so much shame and embarrassment.