I had this overwhelming feeling for one minute that my baby wasn't mine and it scared me.

Bub is 4.5m I have been roleplaying single mom since the 4th because my husband flew overseas to start his new job and I've stayed behind waiting for LO's passport to arrive in the mail. It arrived and we leave this week (finally) So it's been a lot. I was staying with friends but she was second trimester pregnant with a 16m old and it was hard because I felt bad when she'd want to help out (he's been going through a sleep regression and it started with crying for 20 minutes before naps) because her hands were full, so I flew down from our state to my in-laws.

I've been staying with my brother-in-law and his family for a week. It's been great. The parents are up the street and mum frequently came over in mornings to take little one for a walk so I could sleep for an hour or two as he hasn't been letting me sleep at night.

Aside from taking forever to fall asleep he will do a 2-3 hour stretch then not sleep in cot after that. Keeps rolling over waking himself every 40 minutes and won't go back down. I resorted to cosleeping. So then he sleeps but he wakes me every thirty minutes throughout the night moving. I'm in constant light sleep too. I know this because I wear a temp drop and can see my sleep and why I feel so horrible.

Also he wakes up at 6am. If I try going to sleep when he does at night he will not sleep a long stretch and wakes within 30 minutes of me falling asleep. I think it's time to sleep in his own room but unfortunately not an option as I'm staying with the family. Anyway. Just some background there.

Tonight I was trying for an hour and a half to get him asleep. He was tired. All the cues, fed changed I did his night routine which is always constant bath, sleep sack, feed, soothe until drowsy, cot and pat till falls asleep. The last two nights refused to. He's probably teething. But it's hard. It's hard doing this on my own and no sleep. And it finally got to me I think.

I was holding him trying to soothe his crying and all of a sudden I had this horrible overwhelming feeling that he was not my baby. It struck me mentally and I realized the feeling I was having and it scared me so bad I started sobbing hysterically. I texted my husband during this so that something was keeping me grounded and he told me to set him in cot and let him cry for ten minutes because I can have a break and he'll be safe.

That ended up working and I just ferbered it. He cried for 8 minutes. I checked on him he was laying quietly playing with his hands. Ten minutes later I checked again and he was asleep (no crying in that time just a single fuss probably before he knocked out)

I'll be honest. I've struggled since he was born. I have this OCD issue where I pick at my scalp because it relieves tension (I've searched this extensively so I know why I do it) Crying is a trigger. At night during feeds I will habitually do it. During the day I've kind of stopped as I'm aware of it and trying to stop since I've created one small bald spot and don't want more. But at night I do it before I realize. I've grabbed him from cot at night and put him in bed and don't remember doing it. We fly in two days but I just wanted to talk about it. No one actually talks about these things when you're pregnant or thinking about having kids.

Yes bub is safe. My in-laws return tomorrow. I'm not having bad thoughts, moreso just struggling with being sole caretaker at the moment.